We Finalized!!

Our Adoption Journey is completed!!

On Monday May 20th,we had our court date for finalization.  It was such an amazing day!

Joe's parents were in town and got to be a part of the big moment which was super special.  The Judge pretty much had Joe and I recite our vows regarding staying together until 'death do us part'.  It was all done over the phone on speaker.  Everyone in the room had to announce themselves, Joe and I were sworn in by Amanda and when all was said and done, he legally became ours.  During the entire phone call Joe and I could not stop smiling, and then when it was over I cried tears of joy and relief...  It was truly a beautiful moment...

This little guy has brought so much happiness to our family and friends - he is loved so much!
 

Almost Final!

We've been super busy last month with Spring Break.  We traveled back home to be with some family and friends.  We've had family and friends come visit all while trying to find our groove with our new addition.    I'm loving it and I know Joe is too!  We feel very blessed.  I can't believe Jude will be 3 months old soon, how neat to be here at this point of our journey.  It is truly amazing and he seriously is the sweetest little boy ever!!  

We are having our third and last post placement visit on Saturday.  Amanda wanted to see Lola with Jude and ask her some questions so she decided a weekend would be best.  We also received an email this week from the Florida agency providing us our court date -it's in May!!  I'm not sure what to expect other than Joe and I answering some questions and then hopefully it will be FINAL!!  It's all done over the phone, in the comfort of our home, with of course our notary Amanda right by our side.  I'm looking forward to Amanda explaining what we should expect so we are prepared.  

At this point in our journey I find myself faced with different and new questions everyday.  The questions have never stopped, they just used to be related to getting to the birth of our hopeful baby, to will the birth parents change their mind, to now, how to handle the many questions that arise on a daily basis when you adopt?  Especially when you adopt and become a trans racial family.  Where ever we go, the airport, the grocery store, the GAP, people are constantly inquiring.  I said it before, we learned all about this but until you fully emerge yourself in it - you never are ready.  I know people do not mean harm and are just nosy, but when you don't adopt and have a biological child, these questions don't arise.  I feel like being a smart ass sometimes and I find myself getting defensive almost.  The other day in the grocery store a sweet little old lady went up to Joe and asked 'Where did we get her?', Luckily Joe got away with just correcting his sex and didn't elaborate.  However in my mind I was thinking of saying 'isle 5 next to the pasta'.  I know she didn't mean any harm, but for some reason it feels invasive.  However on the flip side of it, one of the ladies in the airport came up to us because she is in the middle of adopting ,and just was inquiring information and of course, I was sharing.  This isn't meant sound negative or anything, it's is what it is and I've been keeping it real with you all from the beginning and this is just another part of it.  This part won't end though, it's just going to change to people asking Jude the same questions we are getting now.  One class last year, one of the social workers at our agency explained how she role plays with her children and I get it.  It will be necessary so Jude is prepared.  I signed up for a webinar next week and am going to purchase some books.  I realize we are only 3 months in and at some point down road we will hopefully come to a comfort zone with all the questions but for now all I can do is educate myself and my family and continue to surround myself around other adoptive families.  

In this technology driven world we live in these days, tons of information is just a click away and I find myself in a strange place because of our semi-open adoption.  I don't want to share the specifics but they are leading me to evaluate my motives, my life, and my priorities at this time and I may be making some changes to be offline.  I don't know what that means for this blog or for staying as private as possible on Facebook (is that an oxymoron?), but I definitely need to feel comfortable with some things which may lead to some changes. 

We are so very grateful for everyone following along in this amazing journey with us, for the mad support you have all expressed, for the baby showers, sip and see's, words of encouragement, monetary donations, the dinners, and love you've shown to our family.  Thank you all!!  We couldn't more happy to have our son Jude, he is so amazing - just like his big sister, Lola!! 

 

A few things...

Last week we had our second of three post placement visits with Amanda (our original social worker), during our adoption process she had adopted and took several months off to bond with her daughter.  It was nice to have her back in our mix.  She asked me to share our journey with her and I did, she told me our experience was not on the normal scale of how things typically go down in an adoption.  There is so much that I left out on this blog because of several reasons, some of you whom I talk with often know most of it but in short, there was a lot of stuff that went on that shouldn't have and there were services that we paid for that we did not receive.  Our experience should not have been what it was and during our match it was emotionally difficult to imagine we'd actually be on this end of the process.  Thankfully we are!!  Other than that, we are super blessed and grateful for our little man and madly in love with him.

He's over 2 months old and even though he's still on the small side (not yet 10lbs), he seems so much bigger to me.  I think he's a little pudge, considering he was only 5.11 when he was born - I think he's doing quite well.  The breastfeeding is going great and I still sometimes think back to all that pumping wondering what on earth I was doing and don't believe I did all that.  I'm sure glad I did because it's super cool to be able to breastfeed him.  I like that I can be an advocate to another adoptive parent who wants to try and breastfeed their adoptive child.  He's smiling more and more, he's cooing and I know his cries and what they mean.  He is very easy to sooth, except for when we drive to go pick up Lola and he sometimes screams his head off and I can't do anything about it, that breaks my heart, but he's getting better.  Big sister Lola sits next to him and on the way back she helps sooth him - it's sweet!

I've encountered some experiences that I read about in our adoption books and learned about in the classes but of course wasn't quite prepared for.  Two different times, two different women whom darn well know I wasn't pregnant thought that I gave birth - nope I wasn't prepared for that.  I felt the need to correct them and advise them that we adopted him.  It was my initial reaction and I never really thought someone would think that I gave birth to him, knowing my husband too?!  Another woman the other day was looking at him, telling me how cute he was and then asked me if his father was black.  I was totally caught off guard and explained that again we adopted him and no his father is not.  As soon as I got home I opened one of my books and it had that exact scenario in it and it suggested that all I should have said was no his father is not.  It's real easy to read about how to handle these individual situations but when you catch yourself in them, caught of guard, it's not that easy.  Joe and I definitely need to get our answers straight and locked in our heads because we need to get used to knowing how to handle these things when they come up.  When we are out in public and people want to question - it's not our story to share anymore - it's his.  As he gets older and understands that he is adopted he might not want to blurt it out to strangers so I need to know how to back people off when they inquire.  I need to be armed with how to shut them down before they pry too much.  We knew this would be a challenge - it's definitely a new experience and not sharing everything is something I've never been that good at.  I just need to practice. 

It's been a while...

So it's been a while since I blogged...  We have just been enjoying every moment with our little one, not to mention the lack of sleep and adjusting to life with 2 kids!  I still haven't figured out how to cook dinner while holding a baby or shower every day but we are getting there.  I felt real good last week as I ventured out to the grocery store with both of them, only for a few items.  Joe was excited that I managed to cook a frozen lasagna.  I give mad props to those out there with multiple kids and jobs and so forth as this is tricky.  I remember it being tricky with just one too until we got into a rhythm and we are starting to slowly get there with Jude. He's almost 7 weeks old and starting to be more alert and taking to the swing and chair for longer periods so I can cook, shower, clean, and all that domestic stuff I'm supposed to do!! We want to also give a big THANK YOU to all of you for being so loving and generous.  We appreciated all the meals and all the presents for Jude and Lola - thank you...

We've had some visitors, Grandma stayed with us for a month which was so helpful and we are very grateful for our time with her.  She was there from Jude's birth in Florida to help and love us through that transition and then came back home with us and helped get us acclimated to our new life back here.  What an amazing gift and such a memorable time.  Soon after that my dad came to visit.  I picked him up from the airport and out from behind a pillar came my awesome cousin Karen to surprise us!  What a fabulous surprise!  They stayed for the weekend and just ate up all their time with Jude and Lola.  It was short lived but non the less awesome!

Big sister Lola is super!  She is an extremely proud big sis for sure.  She is helpful with him around the house and everyday can't wait to kiss and hug all over him.  We couldn't have asked for a more positive reaction from a little girl who's been an only child for six years.  She just welcomed and embraced her baby brother coming into our lives as if it was nothing and everything.  It's everything we could have hoped for and more...

We are loving every minute of this role again, as exhausting as it is, it's so precious and amazing!  I'm in love all over again and couldn't be more happy!  Here are some pictures of our time in Florida and cousin Karen loving all over Jude! 

We've had one of three post placement visits with our agency.  We should be done with those in April and then hopefully soon after that we will be finalizing this adoption.  It sometimes is so surreal that we are on this end of this journey...   

Still here...

Well, we are still here waiting to go home.  We haven't heard from the agency letting us know that our ICPC paperwork has been processed yet.  I do know that our home state has received it and then I believe all we do at this point is wait for them to process and return it to Florida, I don't really know how it all works.  I do know that we are more than ready to return home.  I'm a bit homesick.  Travel has always been hard for me and this is no exception.  We just want to be back among our friends, our home, we want to welcome Jude to his home!!  One thing I've learned in this experience is patience so I'm again trying to be patient. 

Lola loves her brother, she wakes up each morning and comes sneaking in our room to be with him.  Whenever he's just laying around awake she comes over and lays across from him and plays with him.  He is such a good baby, very chill!  He had his one week checkup yesterday with a doctor here and all is good.  We've taken many strolls along the beach, gone out to dinner a few times, and just relaxed.  Joe's been working remotely from the Condo and other than our weak WI-FI connection he's getting some stuff accomplished.  My mother is law is hanging in there helping us out - she loves just sitting with her grandson and he enjoys being all wrapped up in her arms.  Me, I'm tired - but loving every minute of it.  I can't remember being a family of three anymore, funny how that happens so immediately. 

Hopefully tomorrow we will hear that we can leave but it might not be till Friday.  Can't wait for you all to meet the little guy and I seriously can't wait for Lola to return to school.  She's been on the winter break that never ended.  My little girl needs her schedule back!!  In a way this has been a blessing because here we are learning to adjust to bringing home a baby and not having to worry about a schedule but then again too long without a schedule, we all need a schedule... 

He's Ours!!!

Wow!  What a crazy past three days...

They were very emotional, exciting, scary and challenging...Thanks everyone for the messages on fb, the prayers and support, it all helped so much.

Yesterday we were discharged from the hospital around 2pm and that is when he became ours!!  It was such an amazing feeling.  We couldn't wait to get out of there and get back to where we are staying, see Lola and just relax.  I can't even begin to explain how emotionally challenging that part of this process was, I was not prepared for that.

We got back to the condo and I felt an extremely needed sense of peace and as sleep deprived as I was - I was calm and happy.  I took a shower, fed Jude and then wrapped him in the Moby Wrap and Lola, Joe and I went out to the heated pool on the beach and watched Lola swim around...listen to the waves....watch the sun glisten on the water...and the palm trees blow in the wind!  Thank you God for that!!!  It couldn't have been any better. 

Now here we are waiting for the OK to come home.  Most likely it will be sometime next week, probably near the end of the week. Our paperwork will be filed with the courts today but since it's Friday they most likely won't get to it till next week.

Jude is awesome!  He's a very content little fella and the breastfeeding is going great!  He's a good eater.  He thrived in the hospital - everyone kept telling us how remarkable he was doing, he didn't even loose any percentile of weight because of all the milk!!  All that pumping really paid off.  Lola is being a wonderful, loving big sister to her baby brother. 

Today...

Where to begin...  I feel like I'm having an out of body experience!  We got here yesterday around noon and then immediately went out on the beautiful beach - the ocean is as clear green as ever and the sand so white.  Absolutely breathtaking.  It's kind of neat being here amidst the most emotional roller coaster inside and then our surroundings so zen like - it's perfect!

We met our potential birth parent's today for lunch around 1 and on my way there I seriously almost vomited, I was so nervous.  I don't ever remember being that nervous before.  Thank God because I really didn't know how I was going to get through it.  We did though and it was beautiful!  They were super sweet and it became extremely comfortable between all of us quickly.  We laughed a lot - they have such beautiful smiles and hours went by and we found ourselves still all sitting there chatting.  I think the social worker who met us wasn't prepared for the amount of time we all took getting to know each other, but non the less she thought it went great and was happy for both parties.  

We are so excited for tomorrow, she is scheduled for a c-section around 10am and we are looking forward to meeting up with them at the hospital tomorrow!  It's been an interesting evening, I'm emotionally drained for the moment and we can't wait to meet our hopeful baby boy!! 

Change of Plans!!!

WOW - what an afternoon!  So **** ****** Vesneski is coming sooner than later.  Our potential BM had a doctor appointment today and since he's weighing in on the small side, they scheduled the c-section for TUESDAY, 1/8!!!!!!!  I seriously just learned of this while I was waiting in the pick up line at Lola's school this afternoon around 2:45.  I've been screaming ever since!  I'm totally caught off my game and super duper excited!  I literally went into crazy adrenalin mode - calling my mother in law, all our friends, the vet, you name it.  We have to change every thing around and leave for Florida in a day!  Luckily we are working it out and it's going well.  I guess the Christmas decorations are going to have to wait to come down until we come back...lol!  Oh my goodness - that's all I can say right now...Oh my!!

I'm Happy!!!

I'm seriously getting butterflies in my belly!  I'm feeling really good right now about everything, thank you for all the prayers!  We have accomplished some of our tasks and plans for our trip.  It just so happens that my mother-in-law resigned from her job the same day we found out about the scheduled c-section.  How convenient right?  Joe and I had  several options and plans for travel with/without Lola to decide on.  We came up with an idea that we went over with my mother in law that she said yes to.  She is going to fly down here next Friday.  We are all going to drive with little miss soon to be BIG SISTER LOLA to Florida on Saturday.  We have secured our place to stay and that is checked off one of my many lists.  We will meet with our potential birth parent's on Sunday for lunch - ACKWARD- and be at the hospital Monday morning for the arrival of **** ******* ********!  I called the hospital yesterday to inquire how much they would be charging us for the room and to my surprise - NOTHING!  That really helps, when in this day and age are things free, let alone at a hosptial?!  I also spoke with the agency today and went over a few of my questions and got some helpful answers on what is needed from us at this point, lots of signatures and paperwork.  What a busy week we have a head of us and I'm finally glad it's our turn.  I've been waiting for this time in the process for a while now.  Yay!!  

What a moment we are in...

We are super excited to say the least, among many other feelings!  I'm scared - I'm trying to picture how it's going to go and can't.  It is so hard to actually see the end even being so close to it.  I wonder if our potential BM is going to want to be with the baby at times or not, or if she's going to want to see us with the baby or not, or if the BF is going to be around, is it going to be ackward or not...there are SO MANY things I am wondering but can't actually spend time wondering about because who knows, it's just so different and new. 

Joe is getting super excited - I can tell how real it is to him now, knowing a date, having an actual plan and it being right around the corner!  He took my mom van to get an oil change, tires rotated and just serviced before our upcoming trip.  Just another way we need to be preparing.  Thanks to some friends, we have located a place to stay that will be available for the time frame we need which is such a relief to have that in place, thanks guys!  Still a lot to figure out but we are moving in the right direction.   

We told Lola, that was hilarious.  So a week ago or so Joe asked me what I thought we should tell her and I verbatim gave him my opinion, which was to tell her we are working with a BM who is having a boy in a couple weeks, nothing is for sure but it looks like this might be our baby.  He thought it sounded great!  Well the time came last night for us to share the news and we did but it was hilarious because it did not go as planned.  I kept saying words like 'might, possibility, maybe' and he kept giving me this confused look like 'what are you doing?'  It was obvious that whatever I was telling him a couple weeks ago was great then but he didn't remember it going the way I remember, (typical marriage), and to him learning the actual planned date of our hopeful babies birthday made it very secure for him to use definite terms.  We were completely not on the same page!  Needless to say Lola was excited, there is no way to play this down or play it up at this point - it is what it is.  Telling her this might be our baby is no different then telling her it is.  At least that is what we are experiencing.  She does not like the name we've picked though!!  She believes she should name him.  Ahh...NO!

 A little about our specific adoption - we are traveling down the road of becoming a transracial family.  We embrace this chapter in our lives, we feel blessed to be given this opportunity to add a child into our hearts, join our family and grow our family.  Lola is going to be a wonderful big sister and that aspect we really look forward to.  This is such an exciting chapter in our families life and we are almost there! 

Coming soon...

Received a phone call today with our potential BM and a scheduled due date!!!  Our hopeful little boy's birthday is set for January 14th!!!  We are thrilled!!  I will post more about it later just wanted to give an update.

Less than a month...

Here we are getting closer and closer.  I remember putting the December calender up thinking I can't wait for this week and what it will feel like to be this close!  I got to say that it feels great and a bit crazy because there is so much to do to prepare for our trip/his birth.  Birth parent gifts need to be thought of and purchased.  I need to start packing, find a place to stay for a questionable amount of days.  I am a bit overwhelmed with the where to stay part.  I wish Joe wasn't so busy so I could put that off on him to find us a place to stay. 

I believe or potential BM had a doctor appointment yesterday or it's today - there was a bit of confusion on that.  Hopefully our agency will hear something today on how she is doing, how the baby is and so forth.  I might here something from them and I might not.  I am praying for knowing something when she is around 38 weeks regarding if she's going to be having a c-section or not.  So that is 2 weeks away and anything can happen at that point.  She definitely wants me there for the birth and I definitely want to be there so hopefully we can get that planned.

As I am planning for everything, washing clothes and purchasing the necessities, I find myself not allowing for the 'what if' thoughts to linger in my head and my heart.  I hope that is how I should be handling everything but part of me thinks if I don't plan for the 'what if's', then I won't be prepared and is that me being naive?   Then I think how on earth does someone plan for that?  I just pray that this all goes the way I hope for.  I pray for our potential birth parent's to feel peace with their decision and sure of it, I pray for understanding between them and us.  I pray for a smooth delivery and for a healthy baby.  So much of this is completely out of my hands, out of my control and it's really challenging at times to let go... 

Counting down..

Almost 35 weeks (Sunday)...  All I know is that after Christmas and then New Years our potential BM will be 38 weeks and we will hopefully have some plans in place for being there for the birth of our hopeful little boy!  How exciting - it's getting closer!!  I'm feeling more excited about meeting him as the date draws near.  The past four weeks, especially with this pumping schedule, have flown by and I can't imagine how fast the next four weeks will be for us.  There is so much to do and so much we need  - I feel like I should pack my hospital bag - LOL!!  After all, we will be staying in the hospital, in our own room, with our hopeful baby!  I had no idea about that by the way, until I called the hospital a few weeks back to inquire some things and they advised me that they give adoptive parents their own room.  That put my mind at ease, as I was confused about how that all would work.  We still don't know how it's all going to work with Lola yet though.  We had a wonderful friend offer to keep Lola until we left the hospital and then she would fly her down to us, she would fly back and Lola would be with us until we are able to leave the state which could be anywhere from 3 days -10 days.  Who knows!  That is a lot to ask of someone though.  It'd be nice if we had family here to help us out, these are the times that are tough on us living so far from our family. 

I would just like to put out there that the ladies in the lactation department at one of our downtown hospitals have been absolutely wonderful to me.  I had no expectations but they have surpassed any.  They have probably been the warmest of ladies to me in this experience, not knocking all you who do support us :)  But man are they supportive and compassionate.  Every time I walk in there, they are waiting for me, they know who I am, they tell me how wonderful I'm doing, they remember our hopeful babies due date, they are excited for us and I am just grateful.  I have felt special every time I walk in there.  I guess in this whole process of non-returned phone calls, feeling neglected, and the list goes on -they are on their game and it's very refreshing, it just wasn't something I expected and what a wonderful surprise, someone on their game and ready for me that advocates for me!!  Love them!  I especially love them because she gave me an exercise to do last night which allowed for me to sleep 5 hours in a ROW.  Other than my body already adjusting to getting up every 2-3, it was nice.  I need to call her today and give her my results and see if this is something I can continue to do or was it just a one night deal..hmm..hoping I can do that again :)

Joe and I discussed talking to Lola about this match.  I think around the first of the year we will gently let her know that we are working with a birth family, not make a big deal of it and not make any promises just that there is a possibility.  We want her to be somewhat prepared and not too surprised so giving her a couple weeks to digest feels right to us.   

'Star Pupil'

Another week down, almost!  Our potential BM is almost 34 weeks which is four weeks down from when I started this countdown.  I'm lookng at it from the perspective of another four weeks and we'll be waiting anxiously for his arrival.

Well, we/I had a phone call with the BM yesterday and our case worker, and I went and bought a bottle of wine afterwards!  I don't even know what I can say other than a few picked adjectives such as awkward, dissapointed, and uneasy, that about sums it up.  It was nothing like the first one and I really think so much time has gone by without any nurturing from the agency, and that was part of the problem.  I wasn't properly prepared for some of the conversation which made me very uncomfortable.  Again, there is so much to adopting, emotionally.  I felt spent after the call.  I wanted to forget about adopting for a moment.  I wanted to break down and cry.  If we can just get through this stage of the process, I think I will feel better.  I need strength at times like yesterday and  for the rest of this process.  All I can say is that when things go cockeyed I feel extremely saddened.  I feel like this is the hardest thing on my emotions that I've ever gone through.  It is so difficult at times.  Other than what didn't go the way I hoped for on the call, the BM is doing well and the baby is doing fine - that's kinda all I got.  She did ask if we were excited and I said YES, I told her that we are preparing the nursery and getting ready.  She did get some ultrasound pictures but hasn't mailed them to the agency yet so I don't know if I'll get them or not.  She goes back to the Doctor in 2 weeks so hopefully before Christmas we'll get an update. 

On a bright note, my lactation nurse called me her 'star pupil'.  I called her to give her an update and she said I'm doing great.  She knows the process works if you dedicate yourself to it.  Those of you who know me personally know that when I put my mind to something I become extremely determined and give it my all and that's what I've done with this and it is going very well, other than how sleep deprived I am.

52 Days!

That sure sounds like a lot of days to me to continue this pumping schedule...whew!! Less than 8 weeks, possibly 7 if they are scheduling her for a C-section.  He is considered full term on December 30th!! 

Monday I sent an email to our case worker inquiring if it was too much of me to request that our potential BM get some ultrasound pictures at her appointment this Friday.  In return I received this "Kim, please call me so I can explain to you last night's events".  Anxiety and sadness over took me and I walked around the house thinking 'nope I don't want to call you', I was scared to get bad news.  I paced the house for like five minutes and then just faced the call and immediately told the case worker 'I'm scared of what you are going to tell me'.  She told me not to be scared and I felt a tiny bit of peace.  So, without sharing what was discussed because it is personal - I will share that it was baby mama/daddy drama - who needs that?!  In this world of adoption what we are experiencing is considered normal and par for the course but it totally zaps the warm and fuzzies from my heart about this process.  There is an unbelievable amount of drama in our adoption journey.  This is hard to deal with and I continue to just try and focus my energy to the end result.  I surely hope and pray that we are not being taken and this is a solid match.  That is a thought I have to continue to bounce out of my daily thoughts and it's real hard.  Here I am pumping 9x a day for our hopeful baby and seriously starting to get prepared and I honestly can say that I believe in this match, it's just not going extremely smooth.  I truly believe that this couple is not going to change their mind because of many reasons that I can not disclose but living with the day to day drama is challenging.

Over the weekend as we pulled out our Christmas decorations and put the tree up, Joe also drug out all our baby gear.  It was good to take inventory on what we still have from Lola.  We lent a lot of our stuff out over the years and some of it doesn't work anymore, and some we never got back.  Also one of my friends swapped car seats with me and brought me an infant car seat and I can check that off my registry.  We also found our Diaper Genie and I got to delete that from the list as well.  That felt good. I started cleaning up the items we have, washing stuff in baby detergent which smells so good and I finally mailed back the girly bedding I had previously purchased from the last match.  

Less than 9 weeks...

I wrote a post and tried to keep it up beat on Tuesday but never posted it.  I admit - I complained a little about all the red tape, all the in's and outs about this particular adoption without getting too personal.  The bottom line is the communication between us and the agency could be a little bit better.  I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty because I really wanted to keep these last few weeks on the positive side.  Some of you I've shared a bit with but I still have left some stuff out and have had to because it is personal information about our potential birth parents.  This process is definitely challenging and all I can do is focus on the end result and try my hardest to not sweat the so called process in the mean time.  Let me put it this way - there is a lot more to just being matched and waiting for the birth of your hopeful baby.  There is paperwork, major decisions, an extreme amount of trust and much much more. 

So we have less than 9 weeks till baby boy's due date!! I know that the BM is going to be getting a sonagram on Friday and I sure wish I could be there...  How neat would that be!  Anyhow - it wasn't offered and I didn't press for it because logistically it's kinda impossible for us to work that out.  However I am looking forward to getting possibly a picture (I will try and press for that), as well as finding out how he's doing in there! 

I have officially been pumping every 2-3 hours around the clock since last Thrusday, not to mention I also was bed ridden with a horrible cold/flu for the first 4 days too!  That was fun...  Actually it wasn't all that bad.  The cold was/still is rough, but once the pumping started progressing, it became something I looked forward to seeing.  It has really been great for me because it makes me feel more connected to this match and hopeful, like in a few weeks I really am going to be feeding a baby.  This journey for us has been much longer than the adoption process.  It's been about 4 years in the making and we are almost there...

10 week countdown!!

I've decided to snap out of my mood and start preparing for bringing home our baby.  I am going to do a weekly countdown on his due date.   Our potential birth mom is 30 weeks!!  That means that this is our longest match, we were matched when she was around 23 weeks and I'm glad we've made it through her second trimester into her third.  In seven more weeks he will be considered full term and we will hopefully have a more accurate idea of when he's coming (she's most likely having a c-section), and we will be making our plans to attend the birth per my hopes and our potential birth mom's wishes.  When we had that amazing phone call (still the only one), she told me 'this is your baby' and she wants us a part of everything.  She is aware that I am preparing to breast feed and she is all for it and comfortable with it which makes for the possibility of the hospital allowing for that.  I have spoken with the hospital and they informed me that most likely Joe and I will be getting a room and that's where we will be with the baby when he's born.  There are still a lot of worries I have.  Please pray for our potential babies birth parents and the health of the baby.  I can only have faith that she is healthy and he will be born healthy.  I tried to just touch base with our case worker via email last Friday morning and she has not replied.  Maybe as time gets closer to his due date she'll be more proactive with staying in touch with me.  That part is frustrating.  Thank you everyone for continuing to ride this journey out with us, I feel like we are so close to bringing home our baby but not without some bumps in the road.  I can only pray it goes smoothly from here on out.

Lately...

The truth?  I haven't felt pumped for a while with our adoption.  I headed everyone's advise and tried to just live as though everything is normal and not focus on adoption when in actuality time has gone by but so has my excitement.  This is so different than being pregnant and I am very blessed to be able to experience them both.  This one is definitely a challenge though.  I think through the two failed adoptions and the extreme highs and lows, my joy of this process has been zapped.  It's also hard to be matched so far in advance of the birth of your hopeful baby.  Plenty of time for things to go wrong.  With all that said, I'm still very grateful that our adoption is still moving forward.  The only issues we have had has been the continuous re-scheduling of our next birth mother/father phone call.  It was rescheduled four times now and still hasn't happened.  A few of those times I never even received correspondence from the agency that the call wasn't going to happen.  I was left to wonder all night if something was wrong, this has been hard to do.  I finally expressed my feelings to our case worker and she then advised me of a couple things specific about this process and since then I have totally lowered my expectations and am not holding my breath for another phone call. 

I've learned SO MUCH in this journey.  I will admit that once we finished our profile book and how good I thought it was, I was thinking we'd be matched very quickly because 'who wouldn't want to be part of our family'.  HAHA!!  Yeah, that is not how this works.  I am not in control here, that is evident and continues to be for me.  It's real hard sometimes when the case worker tells me how busy she is with her several birth mothers giving birth in one day and we are still waiting.  I picture how excited those adoptive parents must be and feel like 'why can't that be us?' - I have to be patient, I have to have faith that our match is going to go through, this is the baby we have been chosen to have and just need to hold out a couple more months and soon it will be us, it will be our day!  I'm trying really hard.  I've dreaded writing about it at times because of how hard it's been.  I feel like how many times do people really want to hear me gripe about what isn't happening in our adoption.  Since it's only 2 months away I am really going to try and focus on baby a little bit more and maybe we'll tell Lola that we are working with a potential birth mother but nothing is for sure yet or maybe we won't.  Who knows, I just gotta get my joy about this back somehow.

I'm also taking all these herbs and stuff and some of the medicine makes me fatigued, gain weight - I'm serious I have no idea what I was thinking when I decided to breast feed :)  I start to pump next Friday and my lactation nurse told me I need to go on a 'milk moon'.  I was like 'what is that?'  She was adamant about me pumping every 2-3 hours a day for what I'm assuming is until the baby arrives.  That's time consuming, that's painful, that's going to be different!  So my life really is changing, my body is changing and I really wish I had an ultrasound picture or more information on the baby but I don't other than he's healthy.  I'm a bit scared about the what if's and I really just need support.     

50 Weeks Pregnant!

That is seriously how I feel lately!  I'm SO over it as of late.  We've come so far and I just feel like throwing in the towel at times.  I hate to sound so pessimistic on here but it's either that or I seriously have my guard up and have not gotten totally excited about this.  Sure when we had our birth mother/father conversation on 10/13 I felt excited, touched, and a bit more into this situation but since then we've only had disappointment.  It's not awful stuff or anything it's just we were supposed to have another birth mother conversation on 10/19, all the agency's idea, and 10/19 came and went without any indication as to why nobody called.  I even had sent out an email on the day before the upcoming telephone call to inquire a time frame and I never heard back.  How am I to feel when I don't get any correspondence, not even an 'I'm busy over here and we are going to have to reschedule'.  That is what this waiting mom needs!!  It's been too many failed adoptions, too many months of what if's, that I need to know that everything is still alright when things don't go as planned.  I even reached out this past Monday via a telephone message inquiring if everything was OK since I haven't heard from them and I got an email the next day with a 'let's reschedule'.  Since then I received the  document we had been waiting for that we wanted before signing anything, and of course it didn't have the part I needed/wanted.  So now I have to ask for the six or so time about this certain part of the records.  And of course I did and still no word from the agency.  I am so over doing adoption homework!  This is like the pregnancy that never ends or at least feels like I'm over due!!  Here I am complaining when I'm matched and should feel excited, pumped that we are having a baby boy, but until I get what I need, until we are signed on, until we speak again (10/29), I am just in limbo.  I am at the mercy of the agency to get me what I need and if they can't then we are just going to have to have faith that all is good which is risky but then again so is adoption in it's entirety...and so is having children any way you go about it.

We still have not told Lola about this match and she does bring it up time to time. She's been wondering when we will be matched again.  She's back on the whole 'let's have a boy and a girl kick'.  I'm happy she's still excited.  I'm sure she's heard us talk on the phone about this match or to each other but since we haven't sat her down like before and shared the news, she hasn't picked up on our match yet.

On the whole breastfeeding note:  What was I thinking?!  First of all for an adoptive mother this will not save you money - formula would be much more budget friendly.  Secondly, since I had started this process prior to the failed adoption and then the new match, it really didn't matter since this new match is a later due date then the first.  All it did was change my protocol.  Here I am taking all these herbs and pills just a tad bit longer.  As I stated before, the idea is to fake your body into thinking it's pregnant and the longer you have to do that the better. So in all actuality for breastfeeding purposes, this match's due date gives me more time.  With that more time, I get to stay in a constant state of PMS longer!!  I'm dealing but I am ready to start the second part which is stopping the birth control and then pumping which will most likely happen in 3 or 4 weeks.  Our potential baby is due in January, I don't think I've shared that on here yet.

So with all my griping, everything is still on and this birth mother is great.  Our plan after Monday's phone conversation is for her and I to talk more frequently after each of her Dr. appointments.  We won't need the middle man (the agency), and hopefully all will go well.  I'm very anxious to hear about the baby on a more weekly basis.  I need to hear about the baby, I want to know as much as possible about his last trimester.  I also am not trying to talk negatively about the adoption agency, I'm very grateful to them, I realize they are working very hard and have very busy schedules and don't blame them for how things go down.  I'm am just simply stating my feelings on it all.  I'm still very happy with them and this isn't stuff that they can predict or prevent. 

Totally Amazing!

The phone call was so much more than I could have ever expected.  In fact I had NO expectations going into it, I really was wondering when it would be either last night or today.  As I was clearing the dinner table last night, I checked my phone and there was a text from the social worker that said 'Guess Who' and then a picture to follow, then the message 'will be calling you after dinner'!  Yup, not only did we get their picture but they called us after they all had dinner together.  While we were waiting for the phone call, we kept staring at the picture in delight!  Then the call came in, I was super nervous and all I can say is that went away quickly and the social worker maybe had 3 sentences throughout a 30 minute or so phone conversation. We all talked so much, we laughed, we all were very grateful to each other not just us to them which totally shocked me, I just wasn't expecting that. 

In the beginning while I was educating myself on all the different types of adoptions, reading some adoptions stories and realizing how I would be suited for an open/semi open adoption, I had this idea, a vision of how I hoped it would be for us.  Having not walked down this road before it was only an idea, I truly didn't know how it would feel or what my idea would actually be like.  Well, so far this situation is unfolding in the way I had hoped  for.  It actually has a little part of everything I wanted and it feels really wonderful!  I was in awe for most of the conversation or smiling and then very sentimental at times and I could tell she was too.  They had just for the first time been given our profile book, which they could not have been more excited to look through.  They loved our pictures, she acknowledged some of the things that I did as a mom that made her feel excited for her child.  I appreciated the acknowledgement, for us moms sometimes don't always feel like the little stuff gets noticed!  That made me tear up, she noticed!  I didn't want to end the conversation without expressing my deepest gratitude for her situation and their decision and to let them know how amazing this blessing is to us and how grateful we are and they too did the same, that my friends was how our call ended - it was beautiful!!

On a Lola note, Friday afternoon after I picked Joe up from the airport (he was gone all week), she (out of the blue) blurted out 'what if our birth mom changes her mind and wants to raise her own baby?'.  Yes she did and Joe was back in the bedroom so I realized, we are both home, now is the time to tell her.  I got Joe and told Lola to repeat her question and we told her, she frowned.  It was short lived but she was disappointed and probably confused a little, but we told her there will be a baby for us sometime and we just have to wait and pray for it.  We have not spoken with her about this new one and probably aren't until we feel it's the right time which will be further down the road.  We will be speaking with our potential BM again this Friday afternoon, after her Dr.'s appointment!  I'm/we are really excited!!  YAY!!