A Mother's Love...

Parenthood has taught me so much about myself but it also has shined a light onto my past regarding my own mother as well.

It all started a few years ago when we were able to Skype my dad, Lola's Pop-Pop.  We'd Skype often.  When we would Skype Joe's parents there were always two - Grandma & Grandpa, but when it came to my dad - there was only him.  She asked my dad one day where his Grandma was.  She was only 2 at the time.  She really meant where is his wife, since she was used to seeing a man and a women on the other side when we'd Skype Joe's.  We all laughed a moment and I was so re leaved that she didn't ask me.  My dad, a man of fewer words, lucked out due to her age and got away with just saying - I don't have one - and that was that. 

Since then throughout the years off and on questions about my mother would come up.  Most of the time she assumed she was in heaven.  I always corrected her and told her she is not there.  Of course she then would inquire more because if she wasn't there then why wasn't she here?  I always shared the truth and kept it age appropriate.  I just simply would say - she couldn't be a mom anymore.  I never thought about how that was being interpreted in her little head.  Let's be real here, as I grow my perspective regarding that changes and changes throughout the years as well.  I just assumed that was my baggage and could only affect me.  I was wrong.

In the beginning of our adoption, her interpretation came up again but in a different manner.  She was testing my love as her mother in a more than different five year old way.  I think she was confused about a mother's love.  I mean here we are trying to adopt a baby from another mother/women and that women was going to give her baby away and my mom left me - so - naturally Lola started wondering in her little, safe, innocent mind that maybe I would be giving her away!  Never...never...never...never...NEVER!!  Thank goodness we got passed that...Then...

The other night, Lola and I had a beautiful heart to heart that I could have never imagined, planned, or ever expected.  So special I thought I'd share...

We were hugging in bed and she got sad about death.  She said to me - I don't want you to die mommy, why can't we all just stay the way we are?  First let me say, I remember doing this to my Dad as well - actually I did it a lot - having a Funeral Director/Mortician as your father - death was always a daily part of my life when I grew up.  I would play school in the office while my Dad embalmed a body - I did!  Until my 30's, I was always wondering the same as Lola, wishing we could all just stay the same as we are now.  Anyhow - my first reaction was to relate to her.  I told her that when my Dad dies and goes to Heaven, he'll be with God and I will miss him too.  Dying is part of life and she then went right into - oh he'll be with your mom, in heaven?  No Lola my mom isn't there, she is still alive.  Which every time I correct her on this she still gets this puzzled look on her face that says - well if she isn't in Heaven then why isn't she here - How come I haven't met her?  This leads me to the special part...  I started to cry because it hurt me as a mother to explain to my daughter that my mother left me.  Lola then started to cry for me, she hugged me, she asked me why she left, she asked me if my feelings were hurt, was it because I was a bad girl, all a while asking these heartfelt questions and as I answered them we were both crying and laughing, it was beautiful moment.  When she asked me some questions you could see her holding back sadness.  This time though I remembered to explain to her that it is not natural for a mother to leave her child.  I explained that I would never stop loving her, nor would I ever leave her like that.  All while I am letting her know I would never do that, she seemed to realize how horrible that was and was hurt for me...  I wasn't crying because my mom left me (that was 23 years ago), I was crying because my daughter was acknowledging what that was like for a moment.  And I wasn't expecting that, ever.  I just never thought about it to be honest.  I'm proud of her for having sympathy, being heartfelt, and so damn mature for a 5 year old.  It was just a beautiful moment in our time together and it relates to this whole adoption triangle too.  I may have this same conversation with our adopted child one day with the tables turned...and possibly be able to relate a bit...

I knew from the age of eleven what it was to need a mother's love and I knew then that my purpose in life was to become a mother, nurture a child and give them everything of me that I only wished I had.  That my friends is when I decided to adopt...it only grew from there!