Taking a break...

At some point last night I decided, just for a moment, that maybe sharing our journey online wasn't such a great idea.  The choice to share this journey was initiated out of pure joy and hope.  I thought in the beginning what a neat way to track our adoption for that soon to be child.  I visioned pictures of mailing the application and then receiving the call, then, finally pictures of bringing home our child.  As you all have read, that is not at all how this journey has gone.  Some of it has been extremely exciting and some of it has been at times...hard....sad...and discouraging.  Right now I think I'm feeling discouraged and super sad for the little girl, Valerie that we are not going to adopt.  It pains me to share that.  My heart hurts for that little girl.  Joe and I have gone around and around and then around some more without coming to a decision.  Probably right about and hour or so after I blurted out that my decision was most likely a yes, we received the awaited email from the neurologist and radiologist who was reviewing this case for us.  I read the email out loud, got choked up a few times but nearing the end of the email, one sentence stood out from all the rest and Joe and I both knew this was not our child that we are meant to bring into our lives.  In some way we were glad that we both finally knew the answer and our answer was the same. Joe and I were in search of some type of confirmation one way or another and we were struggling with our decision because we were not getting it.  As much of a relief it was to get one and it be the same for both of us, it was also filled with heartache, sadness, and of course my famous personality trait, self doubt.  A friend told me today that she has learned so much from following our journey and it will surely help her on hers.  I'm glad it's helped a few, I continue to grow and learn as well.  Thank you to those who have been a positive voice in our journey, who have humbled their opinions, been a great cheerleader, and supporting us through this journey.  I'm a bit tired, I'm not going to focus on this right now as I need a break.  I'm hurt.