News from Texas...

First of all I want to thank you all for your many prayers, words of encouragement and just being there for us on this crazy journey.  We received the phone call tonight from Texas and SURPRISE, the birth mom there did not chose us for her baby.  I'm feeling a bit sarcastic, sorry.  I am over the whole showing, thinking, choosing, waiting part of this.  I am a bit discouraged.  I'll get over it and bounce back but for the moment I'm feeling like just call us when the baby is born and we'll come get him or her.  Seriously that is the way to go.  None of this let's meet the birth mom, get to know her, be there for the birth and all that good stuff, just call when it's time.  I had to vent...  That's not really how I feel I just had to get it out...

Back in the mix...

I couldn't even post about this on Friday because I felt that you all needed a break from the roller coaster we are on.  I guess what I'm feeling is sadness, one adoptive parent put it like this:  It's an adoption miscarriage.  Adoption is a whole new world of pregnancy and the feeling of loss is just the same.  It is interesting to think that we could have connected and already felt a bond to this baby, but the result is we did, and we even named him.  We bought clothes (not many) and of course saved the receipts, but non the less we were bonding in the adoption way.  I think the worse day was Wednesday when they upped the price of this adoption by so much and I knew in my heart that this was not going to work out.  I cried then, I was sad.  I couldn't believe that our situation was unfolding in this manner.  I didn't want it to be like this.  All week I was so excited to meet the birth mom and focusing on that but in the back of my head the red flags kept presenting themselves.  Joe kept saying that is our baby out there and let's work it out, but once the last red flag presented itself his mind changed and he knew too.

Now for the roller coaster...  Late Friday afternoon we received yet another call that a mother might pick us.  Yes we did!  Obviously this time around and due to the circumstances we were not jumping for joy.  That is sad to me as well.  I didn't want to become numb to the phone calls but here we are.  Long story semi short is there is a birth mom in TX that picked 2 families out of 9 and we are one of them.  The social worker in TX called me Friday and I didn't expect that since we haven't been chosen yet.  She wanted to call the families and give them the low down on the birth mother's situation because there is a lot to her story.  Which I can't say I didn't want but it's a lot to take on.  I took several notes and I spoke with this women for over an hour, she had a lot to share.  What I did learn is that this agency in TX that has one of our profile books seems very legit, the social worker is a licensed social worker as well as the CEO of this adoption agency and she was thorough and nice.  We will find out more tomorrow. 

Our Decision...

So many red flags, this is all so very disappointing.  Yesterday more shadiness occurred when I was crossing my T's and dotting my I's.  We feel like this ACC agency in Utah is extremely unprofessional and crossed many ethical boundaries and did really try and take advantage of us.  Not an agency we are comfortable working with.  Therefore the sad result is that we will not be adopting this baby.  I am sad for the birth mom who picked us for all the right reasons.  I have no idea how honest this agency is going to be with her and only hope that she is matched with another great family.  This is a loss..

Gray Area...

 I remember settling small homeowner and boat claims back in my early 20's (man that makes me sound old), and every time I researched a claim to it's policy it came down to my interpretation because most sections were not black and white, in fact there was a lot of gray area.  Turns out that even a bi-racial baby can be gray! 

Let me just say it like it is.  We checked all boxes for all ethnicity's for our adoption.  We did not limit ourselves to any one specific race.  This was our families decision and I realize not all adoptive families take the same route.  This is what we are comfortable doing.  We knew we would need to educate ourselves better and have as well as continue to.  It just so happens that a bi-racial mother picked us to be the family of her baby boy growing in her womb.  She has been looking through families since April and when she was presented ours, she just knew it.  Turns out that the mother of the baby is bi-racial and the father is white/Caucasian.  The ugly truth about adoption agencies is some charge extra for white babies.  Since this baby will only be 1/4 black they decided to up sell the baby as a white baby instead of a bi-racial baby.  Yup, therefore adding an additional $15,000 which yes is ABSURD!  This is not acceptable, completely ridiculous and not to mention the obvious but something we can NOT afford.  I'm no fool.  I'm not desperate and I find it very unsettling that this agency in UT is doing this.  Somehow, somewhere there was some misrepresentation.  Don't you worry, I had Amanda in TN and Jessica in GA going to bat for us.  This is something that Jessica has never delt with through this agency.  GA has had 30 successful adoptions through this agency in UT in the past 2 years.  This situation is putting that relationship in jeopardy and not only hurting us but going to hurt this birth mother who by the way thinks I'm on a plane to meet her...

All day yesterday, I went back and forth with Amanda and Jessica as they were all going back and forth with UT, it was crazy.  I also talked with a CPA about some $$ concerns of mine and learned a lot.  Anyhow the UT agency came down $3000 and that's when we had to make an emotionally hard decision and say NO.  It broke my heart.  As soon as we made that decision the phone rang again and they decided to come down significantly.  I'm sad because the initial joy I felt for this has turned into a financial decision.  The financial part of adoption is tricky, it's emotional and draining.  I can't explain how I feel right now.  I can't tell you what decision is going to be made, I seriously pray I would get some confirmation one way or another and some peace about this and what is going on. 

 

Emotionally spent...

I want a time out...just kidding!!  Adoption is just straight up HARD.  For those of you who've walked down this path, you understand, and those who've been following along with us, listening to me rant over the phone and when we see each other - I'm sure you see what I'm going through.  There is so much more than just putting a profile together and getting picked and then bringing home your child. The emotional level of adoption is something else.  I am extremely overwhelmed right now.

I'm going to explain to all because I can't verbally talk about it to anyone anymore because I'm drained.  Yes our adoption plan/process thus far has been extremely smooth thanks to Amanda at Heaven Sent Children.  Everyone kept pointing out how smoothly it has gone for us and how that's been such a great sign.  Well, long story short, Yes we got picked by "an incredible birth mom" and it's everything I could have asked for. She is very certain about adoption, she wants us a part of the delivery, she wants to meet me, she wants a semi-open adoption and all the amazing things I hoped for out of this.  However; we should have never been presented to her as an option because she was out of our budget and I had no idea until last night.  That is what I'm dealing with right now.  Somewhere and somehow GA and UT had a miscommunication and we were shown to someone out of our budget. 

I Love Amanda, I called her this morning and just shared everything that I am going through and she is just the best.  She is going to call UT and advocate for me, find out where the paperwork is, what happened and help me.  She even offered to come watch Lola so I can get some stuff done.  She is a blessing, she helped me focus, she commiserated with me and totally gets me and what I'm feeling right now.  She learned a lot about Joe and I in our Home Study and how we operate and she knows what a blow this is to me and how I am feeling about the extra money.  They say God never gives us more than we can handle, but actually he does it's just we can't do it without Him. 

All in a day...

 As you can see the room was fitting for a boy with blue but this was from the original owners of this house as they used this room for their son but it is not my taste.  It's been fine for all our guests but now we are going to re-create this room with some flavor...

 We thought Lola would have been painting the whole room, but her friends from across the street were over and they all were playing so much that I had to pull her away to get this shot.  She did enjoy putting the first rolls of paint up in her soon to be brother's room!  We picked a color from Restoration Hardware named Silver Sage and had Sherwin Williams whip it up in Cashmere finish which if you haven't used that paint before, you have no idea what you are missing.  I highly recommend  it for your next painting job!  Plus is was 40% off!!

 Believe it or not I did a lot of the painting I just have no pictures of me because I am taking them :)  This is Joe finishing up where I couldn't reach.  We did two coats and only one coat of edging. 

After so much hard work moving furniture all day, painting and not to mention parenting.  There were three to four girls running in and out of the house all day, jumping in the pool, signing as loud as they could, building forts, and giggling often!  We were exhausted and hungry but you know me, I had to have the crib out and together so I could play!  Joe was like no-way, but none of us had eaten anything and it was 8pm.  So we decided to order pizza while the guys, with love, put the crib together for me...

I am totally going to have me some fun making this room flavorful but for now, today, I am planning my trip to Utah and might possibly be running around like a headless chicken!

What happened to the day?

All I remember is getting the phone call around 9ish and the next thing you know it's 4:30pm!  I did some pacing and talking today!  I might be hoarse tomorrow!  Thank goodness the girls across the street came over to play so Lola was busy because I certainly was not entertaining her today.  I found out so much about birth mom and I'm excited to say that I'm going to try to fly out to Utah next week to meet her.  Without devulging too much personal information on her, I will share with you that she is 26, she has firmly chose us to adopt her child.  She is scheduled to be induced on 9/12 but her social worker believes that she might have an earlier delivery near the end of August or hopefully 9/5.  Mom has high blood pressure and has had 2 previous births and they were early.  The birth mom lives at the Adoption housing and has had prenatal care and continues to.  Mom and baby are very healthy:)  She would be "over the moon" if she could meet with me first but understands it's costly.  I was so happy to hear that.  I want to meet her, I want to hug her, bring her our plant and get to know as much as she is willing to share with me so that I will have that information.  While I was talking with her social worker I was taking notes and thinking to myself how these are the notes that my son is going to be reading as he learns about his birth mom.  This is so special, neat and simply an amazing blessing.  Also, she would be interested in me being a part of her delivery and all I can say is WOW!  I think after we get to meet, talk, get to know each other a little the more special it will be.  I feel truly blessed.  Joe is right there with me along with Lola and this is such a special time in our lives.  I have a lot to do.  Right now I need to figure out how to get to Utah and when. 

Guess What?

   
Yup, that's right we were chosen!!  We are one elated family right now!!  I will have more information later on this afternoon but so far the birth mom feels very strongly after having one conference call with another family that we are the family for her baby.  We will get to talk with her next week but she picked us!  She is in Utah and due 9/19, she is looking for a semi-open adoption where she receives pictures and updates through the agency in Utah.  It is on the more expensive end of our budget and we will be going out to Utah in September for 7-10 days.  Will fill you in later with more details!  Lola drew a picture of us as a family and again, with me holding the baby!  She is so ready to be a big sister, right now she is holding 2 paint brushes wondering if I am ready to go paint the nursery! 

No July Baby...

Not picked again!  Just received an email from Jessica in GA that the birth mom due next Friday 7/27 did not pick us.  So that means that we've been looked at and not picked that we know of at least 4 times. Clearly they have not been the right babies for us and we will continue to wait for the right one.  This is hard, I am feeling a bit sad right this moment. 

The News..

I know everyone is wondering what I found out yesterday and I first want you all to know, it's nice to have you following along and waiting with us.  I called yesterday morning and the social worker promised me that she would contact UT and try to find something out.  She got back to me later in the day and said no-one had made a decision yet and that she feels it will be more like a last minute decision (meaning they decide when they are on their way to the hospital).  So I relaxed the rest of the day not waiting for a call.  However, during dinner around 7:30 I checked my phone for something and there was an email from the social worker.  I braced myself but honestly I wasn't expecting an email so I really didn't have time to think that this might not be the news I was praying for.  Here is goes:  She stated that the mom who is due 7/20 did not pick us.  She also said she hasn't heard about the mom due 7/27 or the one due 9/5 yet.  She then went into explaining that today in GA a birth mom came in to our agency who is due 9/11 and she was given our profile as well.  So here we are again waiting with three birth mom's!  Talk about a roller coaster, this is it. 

On a lighter side of this, I think I picked out a color for the nursery and this Friday Sherwin Williams is having a 40% off sale so I will wait to get the paint and maybe this weekend work on that.  I would love to get that started with the basics and use that room to start preparing and seeing what we have and still need.  That is a job in a half so I am looking forward to tackling it.  Also, Lola is exciting to help paint the room with me and I think we could really make it fun! 

Tomorrow

Will we find out tomorrow or will we be waiting another day? 

This weekend has been amazing with my Dad visiting.  I miss him so much and him being here was the perfect distraction to the waiting game.  I made sure I contacted the social worker in GA to inquire if she would be contacting us this weekend or Monday, and she advised it would be Monday so I was able to relax and not feel too anxious.  However, the day is slowly coming to an end and tomorrow will be here.  I can't help but wonder how this is going to go.  Are we going to be heading to Utah for the birth this Friday or next Friday?  We need a car seat, I need to know what kind of bottles, formula, sterilization process, hotel? I read today a list for traveling adoptive parents and it said you can always put your infant in a towel lined drawer for sleeping....REALLY?  Never thought of that!  Should we fly or drive to Utah?  So many questions running through my head.  I know, I know we might not even get picked and I'll deal at that time.  I think for the next go around that if we are not picked I am going to ask them not to notify me until we are matched because this is emotionally taxing...

We bought the little munchkin some onesie's today :)

I'm going nuts over here...

I haven't heard anything yet regarding the 3 birth moms and it pretty much is driving me nuts.  This is super duper HARD!!!  I did get an email from the social worker yesterday giving me the low down on the birth mom's.  I got their names, the ethnicity of each one, the gender, due dates, a healthy status and a price tag.  That email pretty much did me in for the rest of the day.  It was totally out of my comfort zone to receive the information in that manner and although I enjoyed getting it, It's hard to explain how it made me feel.  Not to mention that 2 of the women are due in the next 2 weeks.  One is due on 7/20, 7/27 and the third one is due 9/5.  I mean that's next week and I am not at all prepared here.  I guess if anything this is going to kick me into gear to start preparing our home for welcoming our baby.  Also, Joe has been out of town since Saturday and I miss him so much.  I'll get to see him tonight and can't wait.  He explained to me he has the ability to be super excited but also be extremely patient and not be constantly waiting for the call.  I want to be like that, seriously what is that like?  I find myself constantly checking my email, my phone and just waiting for a message.  If anything maybe we'll know something tomorrow or early next week.  I think I'm going to go mosey on through the baby isles at Target and see what I need.  After all I may not be pregnant but I am expecting and it's been five years since I did this. 

When one door closes...

Another one opens... 

This is crazy! I feel like I'm on a game show or something.  See who picks you today or who doesn't and who will be the lucky winner.  It is insane at times this picking game.  And yet we are talking about a precious life, a child to love and raise in our family with our hearts on the table.  It's like the Price is Right, let's see who's bid is closer to the package...Oy Vey!  However, our profile is going to be viewed by 3 birth moms today!!  Sure that excites me but of course we all know how this goes.  Lola is part of our package and whomever chooses us is probably going to do so because they are looking to place their child in a family with children and we are aware that is either something they want or don't want.  A lot of birth mom's wonder how their child is going to be thought of in a family that already has a biological child.  They may have concerns as to if the adopted child would be loved and treated the same.  I can understand this concern, but I only hope I can convey the answer properly.  Anyhow, I guess today I'll be anxiously awaiting to hear what the 3 mom's think of our family. 

Nope...

I just heard from the GA agency and the birth mom wanted to place with a family that did not have any other children, so she didn't pick us.  Even know I felt more prepared this time around having our profile viewed and possibly not being chosen, it still is a hit when you are not picked.  The social worker has more birth mom's coming in this week so we will see what the rest of the week holds for us.  UGH...at least I can stop waiting for today :) 

Whoo-hoo!!

Looks like signing on with this GA agency was good call.  I already got an email today inquiring if they can show our e-profile book to a birth mom they are meeting with tomorrow!  Whoo-hoo...I feel like doing the happy dance...  So this birth mom is due on 9/23 (2 days after Lola's b-day) and the gender is unknown.  I don't know how many other profiles she will be looking through.  All I can say at this point is it feels good to know that our profile book that we/I worked so hard on is being viewed!!  Any prayers for this mom who will be looking through some profiles, may you pray she is at peace with her decision, and that whomever she picks will be right for her baby. 

New Opportunity!!

I wouldn't label us as the inpatient type but for some reason I go every few days and then start re-evaluating our adoption plan.  I sit in front of the computer, Google agency's, look over all the kids waiting to be adopted here in TN and surrounding states, wonder if we should be doing a foster/adopt.  I have called adoption attorney's, social services just to continue educating myself and exhausting all our efforts.  This waiting period kinda leaves me feeling in limbo.  Yes I have a family to care for and a daughter to raise at the same time which means I have plenty to do, but I just can't help myself.  Joe on the other hand prepared for this waiting time, he thinks he'll be feeling more inpatient and curious a little further down the road.  But those of you who know me, when I put my mind to something I go at it full force until whatever it is, is achieved.  And to me this is just like anything else.  In a way, similar to P90X.  I get up, work at it, feel empowered, then fall asleep and have to do it all over again for a certain amount of time to get results.  Without results  you wouldn't do it so I called another agency today and received extremely positive information/results regarding waiting with them and completed all necessary paperwork, ordered more profile books (which if you don't own stock in Shutterfly I recon you should) and on Monday our profile is going to be viewed.  Furthermore, this agent pretty much guarantees she will be "sending some mom's our way".  Now, I don't really know what that means except for it sounding very optimistic, exciting, and simply positive!  When I spoke with this agent on the phone today, after discussing our criteria for adopting she stated that she is visiting with 2 birth mom's on Monday that fit our criteria.  All I did was inquire if we were at a place where our profile would be viewed by these mom's and that was her response.  I Can't believe I started this process on a Friday and have to wait till Monday for some answers.  It felt right.  I didn't feel like this agency was trying to sell their services like a ton I've spoken too.  Sometimes things just make sense and this was one of them, only it had a higher price tag to wait with them than the others have.  Before signing anything I of course called our social worker here.  I discussed it all with Amanda, she checked everything out and gave me a thumbs up.  So here we are waiting with another agency.  I can't help but get excited each time our opportunities to be picked grow!  Now I'm pretty sure waiting with four different agencies is plenty and if I keep adding one a week someone needs to come help me!!!

On another note, A friend of mine from years ago reached out because she heard we were adopting and she is as well.  She has had a tough road with her adoption and long story short, the birth mom has the baby back after a couple of months of my friend raising her and she is just devastated.  Please pray for the little girl Mia to be safe and well taken care of.  My friend still has a chance to get her daughter back but still doesn't know.  In the meantime she and her husband are fostering a baby boy named Jacob who was born addicted to opiates and needs opium every so many hours and they might also be able to adopt him, please pray that he is going to be a healthy, strong boy! 

I will keep you all posted as to what next week holds as far as this agency "sending mom's my way"!!