An update...

Last week we received both the BF and BM's background's.  Included in these background's are questions and a lot of answers from both the BM (birth mother) and BF (birth father) on several topics from health to relatives health to life style to what lead them to adoption. It is neat to have both.  These two were very giving with information and very mature with their answers.  Answers on topics that will come up in our child's life.  The more information, the better.  That is what some semi-open to open adoptions allow for.  This Saturday their case worker is meeting with them and we will be having a conference call with them as well!  Every time I think about this conference call I remind myself that in the beginning of our journey we had an interview (where we were not picked) with a potential birth mom, so I've done this before but in hopes to be picked, this time around we are already matched.  The nerves will be going a mile a minute I'm sure.  It's similar to an interview but it isn't, it's soul purpose is to introduce us verbally, each ask questions, and that is a bit unnerving to me.  I think my concern is 'what if they don't like us?' and then they decide to walk away or vice verse.   I don't even know if that is a possibility!  What a new, different experience this will be!  We are still waiting for one more document before we are signed into this, but for the most part we are moving forward and this is a solid match.  I just pray for that document before Saturday just in case it has something on it that doesn't feel right to us. 


I wouldn't necessarily say that I am 100% mentally committed yet to this opportunity.  Because of how this journey has unfolded for us, it hasn't allowed for the time to grieve the failed one and allow me to get excited to be picked again.  Yes, being told you are not getting this baby but you can have this one helped as in something/someone to look forward to, but I haven't found myself doing that yet.  I say mentally commit as in my way to bond is to start preparing the nursery with that baby in mind, buy some clothes for that baby, pray for that baby and it's BM and BF.  I'm hesitant to do some of that.  I had just given away the boy stuff I originally got for our first match.  Then I felt comfortable starting to plan for the girl with the second match.  Now in order to prepare would mean returning all the girl stuff.  Yes, that means this one is a BOY!!   Having a closet and crib dedicated to a girl when all of a sudden you are not having one feels uneasy to me.  I know I am only talking about materialistic things here but I don't know how else to explain it.  Also, every time Lola says her prayers, she prays for the BM (the failed one) and her soon to be baby sister.  Maybe that is what is bothering me.  We have to tell her - UGH - PARENTING!!  That probably has a little to do with why I haven't felt 100% yet too.  I know it will take some time.  Our plan also isn't to tell her about the new match until things unfold and the due date gets closer so that also leaves a bit of secrecy in our family and that makes me feel uneasy too!  Part of me thinks she can handle the truth but then Jack Nicholson rings in my ears and says she can't handle the truth :)  We've always been honest and forth coming with the news with her and to not be, just doesn't completely feel right.  Since the call we haven't been outwardly talking about adoption (bringing home our baby) a ton.  We started to tone it down a bit in our daily lives but Lola certainly speaks of it often.  Just two days ago she asked us if we were flying or driving to get our baby.  She preceded to tell me that if we drive her teacher is going to mark with push pins on a map in her classroom every state we go through and everyone of her friends will be able to follow along our journey with her!!  Very sweet!

I had started writing this blog entry last week but kept walking away because I wasn't sure of what I was trying to say.  I can share that today I shredded the BM and baby girl's records and took all their information off my adoption clipboard, so I'm starting to get there and get excited about our phone call this weekend with the new BM, hopefully my heart will start to open and embrace this new experience...  I look forward to sharing how Saturday goes...specific prayer requests would be that it is a comfortable conversation for all involved and that our hearts open up to this and that we receive the necessary document we are waiting for.  Thank you all...much love...