Lately...

The truth?  I haven't felt pumped for a while with our adoption.  I headed everyone's advise and tried to just live as though everything is normal and not focus on adoption when in actuality time has gone by but so has my excitement.  This is so different than being pregnant and I am very blessed to be able to experience them both.  This one is definitely a challenge though.  I think through the two failed adoptions and the extreme highs and lows, my joy of this process has been zapped.  It's also hard to be matched so far in advance of the birth of your hopeful baby.  Plenty of time for things to go wrong.  With all that said, I'm still very grateful that our adoption is still moving forward.  The only issues we have had has been the continuous re-scheduling of our next birth mother/father phone call.  It was rescheduled four times now and still hasn't happened.  A few of those times I never even received correspondence from the agency that the call wasn't going to happen.  I was left to wonder all night if something was wrong, this has been hard to do.  I finally expressed my feelings to our case worker and she then advised me of a couple things specific about this process and since then I have totally lowered my expectations and am not holding my breath for another phone call. 

I've learned SO MUCH in this journey.  I will admit that once we finished our profile book and how good I thought it was, I was thinking we'd be matched very quickly because 'who wouldn't want to be part of our family'.  HAHA!!  Yeah, that is not how this works.  I am not in control here, that is evident and continues to be for me.  It's real hard sometimes when the case worker tells me how busy she is with her several birth mothers giving birth in one day and we are still waiting.  I picture how excited those adoptive parents must be and feel like 'why can't that be us?' - I have to be patient, I have to have faith that our match is going to go through, this is the baby we have been chosen to have and just need to hold out a couple more months and soon it will be us, it will be our day!  I'm trying really hard.  I've dreaded writing about it at times because of how hard it's been.  I feel like how many times do people really want to hear me gripe about what isn't happening in our adoption.  Since it's only 2 months away I am really going to try and focus on baby a little bit more and maybe we'll tell Lola that we are working with a potential birth mother but nothing is for sure yet or maybe we won't.  Who knows, I just gotta get my joy about this back somehow.

I'm also taking all these herbs and stuff and some of the medicine makes me fatigued, gain weight - I'm serious I have no idea what I was thinking when I decided to breast feed :)  I start to pump next Friday and my lactation nurse told me I need to go on a 'milk moon'.  I was like 'what is that?'  She was adamant about me pumping every 2-3 hours a day for what I'm assuming is until the baby arrives.  That's time consuming, that's painful, that's going to be different!  So my life really is changing, my body is changing and I really wish I had an ultrasound picture or more information on the baby but I don't other than he's healthy.  I'm a bit scared about the what if's and I really just need support.