50 Weeks Pregnant!

That is seriously how I feel lately!  I'm SO over it as of late.  We've come so far and I just feel like throwing in the towel at times.  I hate to sound so pessimistic on here but it's either that or I seriously have my guard up and have not gotten totally excited about this.  Sure when we had our birth mother/father conversation on 10/13 I felt excited, touched, and a bit more into this situation but since then we've only had disappointment.  It's not awful stuff or anything it's just we were supposed to have another birth mother conversation on 10/19, all the agency's idea, and 10/19 came and went without any indication as to why nobody called.  I even had sent out an email on the day before the upcoming telephone call to inquire a time frame and I never heard back.  How am I to feel when I don't get any correspondence, not even an 'I'm busy over here and we are going to have to reschedule'.  That is what this waiting mom needs!!  It's been too many failed adoptions, too many months of what if's, that I need to know that everything is still alright when things don't go as planned.  I even reached out this past Monday via a telephone message inquiring if everything was OK since I haven't heard from them and I got an email the next day with a 'let's reschedule'.  Since then I received the  document we had been waiting for that we wanted before signing anything, and of course it didn't have the part I needed/wanted.  So now I have to ask for the six or so time about this certain part of the records.  And of course I did and still no word from the agency.  I am so over doing adoption homework!  This is like the pregnancy that never ends or at least feels like I'm over due!!  Here I am complaining when I'm matched and should feel excited, pumped that we are having a baby boy, but until I get what I need, until we are signed on, until we speak again (10/29), I am just in limbo.  I am at the mercy of the agency to get me what I need and if they can't then we are just going to have to have faith that all is good which is risky but then again so is adoption in it's entirety...and so is having children any way you go about it.

We still have not told Lola about this match and she does bring it up time to time. She's been wondering when we will be matched again.  She's back on the whole 'let's have a boy and a girl kick'.  I'm happy she's still excited.  I'm sure she's heard us talk on the phone about this match or to each other but since we haven't sat her down like before and shared the news, she hasn't picked up on our match yet.

On the whole breastfeeding note:  What was I thinking?!  First of all for an adoptive mother this will not save you money - formula would be much more budget friendly.  Secondly, since I had started this process prior to the failed adoption and then the new match, it really didn't matter since this new match is a later due date then the first.  All it did was change my protocol.  Here I am taking all these herbs and pills just a tad bit longer.  As I stated before, the idea is to fake your body into thinking it's pregnant and the longer you have to do that the better. So in all actuality for breastfeeding purposes, this match's due date gives me more time.  With that more time, I get to stay in a constant state of PMS longer!!  I'm dealing but I am ready to start the second part which is stopping the birth control and then pumping which will most likely happen in 3 or 4 weeks.  Our potential baby is due in January, I don't think I've shared that on here yet.

So with all my griping, everything is still on and this birth mother is great.  Our plan after Monday's phone conversation is for her and I to talk more frequently after each of her Dr. appointments.  We won't need the middle man (the agency), and hopefully all will go well.  I'm very anxious to hear about the baby on a more weekly basis.  I need to hear about the baby, I want to know as much as possible about his last trimester.  I also am not trying to talk negatively about the adoption agency, I'm very grateful to them, I realize they are working very hard and have very busy schedules and don't blame them for how things go down.  I'm am just simply stating my feelings on it all.  I'm still very happy with them and this isn't stuff that they can predict or prevent.