So I have found myself trying to write this post several times. Here's the deal - I left out a part in my last post, an important part, but it wasn't something Joe and I were ready to share for many reasons. Turns out the other case worker wasn't calling just to discuss our failed adoption. After I understood that we were not going to bring home the baby girl we had been preparing for - we were given another opportunity! Literally one door closed and another one opened!! That was hard for me to deal with at that moment. Going from one baby to another, from boy to girl to ???, is heavy. Not woe is me heavy but 'wow what a different way to experience growing our family.' Adoption is a different level and it is super exciting and awesome, but WOW!!!
Now, last time we learned a lot therefore I am not sharing the intimate details of this scenario, other than it's a baby, not born yet, and all seems good :) I don't know what all seems good means since all the rest seemed good too. I would use the adjectives legit, promising, safe, exciting, different, and interesting as in a scenario we haven't yet been a part of. Other than that, time will only tell how this one will unfold...
We have not told Lola yet about any of this. I'm 34 and having a hard time dealing with it sometimes, so for a newly 6 year old to learn that she isn't getting a brother to learning she's getting a sister and then for us to turn around and tell her she's not - just doesn't feel right yet. I know us sharing this with you all leaves us open to many opinions and we know you all have our best interest in mind, but we have it under control, I say that with love!! This time around we feel much more prepared to not go crazy, we have time before the baby is due to figure it all out, hopefully.
On a different note, I attended a Pampered Chef party a few weeks ago for a good friend of mine. Her consultant overheard we were adopting and she just loved that and always wanted to help a family. She offered up all her profit towards our adoption if I was to have a party! The generosity of strangers hasn't stopped and we are truly grateful for everyone's support. If anyone would like to purchase any of the amazing Pampered Chef products and knowing that your purchase will help fund our adoption, you may by visiting this website: www.pamperedchef.biz/princessinthekitchen - go to shop online - enter my name in the host section and shop away if there is anything you've been needing!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The little boy who cried wolf...
That is exactly how we feel... The support and prayers many of you continue to give and just knowing the ones that are truly invested in our lives means and helps us through the roller coaster. It is a roller coaster!! We are definitely on a roller coaster!!! I have thought to my self a few times that I might want to hop off... but not without our baby...so for now we will continue to go up and down this ride... We have faith and that is what get's us through...
I'm going to begin with Sunday evening when we received a phone call from Florida! Without sharing with you all the details of adoption mishaps, I will simply put that as of Sunday evening it was evident that our match is/was on it's way to being a failed adoption #2 for us. Nothing we did, nothing we could have prevented - this is just how it goes sometimes - par for the course... We had anxiously been waiting to hear if our potential birth mom received the card we sent, she had not - and other personal stuff with her went down which was leading her to back out. We were given the wait and see approach. Which is what for the past two days we've been doing...waiting....waiting...not seeing anything... Our emotions have been on hold - except for the sad emotions - those have been full force! Thank God for Lola - she gets me moving when I would rather crawl under the sheets and cry. BTW - she does not know anything about this interruption in our adoption plan...
As yesterday went by, I received a phone call from a FL number that I hadn't recognized, but thought for sure it was about our match. It was a different case worker with the same agency, but she was calling because she heard that our adoption had failed - which I haven't gotten on paper/or been told point blank - as well as still had my hopes up!! I do realize that these things aren't paper documents and this is just how it goes sometimes. Thank God for adoption groups and friends or I wouldn't know how it goes down for some and would think that we are the only family experiencing the extreme highs and lows on our emotions that adoption brings, but we are not! We also find ourselves feeling like the 'the little boy who cried wolf'! Here we are getting matched and then sharing it with everyone, then taking it all back. A few people this last time when we shared, asked us if this one was "for real"! That hurt! We remind ourselves that we signed up willingly, knowingly, lovingly and faithfully for this journey and we are going to get through it, but not without some heartache along the way. And definitely some lessons....
I'm going to begin with Sunday evening when we received a phone call from Florida! Without sharing with you all the details of adoption mishaps, I will simply put that as of Sunday evening it was evident that our match is/was on it's way to being a failed adoption #2 for us. Nothing we did, nothing we could have prevented - this is just how it goes sometimes - par for the course... We had anxiously been waiting to hear if our potential birth mom received the card we sent, she had not - and other personal stuff with her went down which was leading her to back out. We were given the wait and see approach. Which is what for the past two days we've been doing...waiting....waiting...not seeing anything... Our emotions have been on hold - except for the sad emotions - those have been full force! Thank God for Lola - she gets me moving when I would rather crawl under the sheets and cry. BTW - she does not know anything about this interruption in our adoption plan...
As yesterday went by, I received a phone call from a FL number that I hadn't recognized, but thought for sure it was about our match. It was a different case worker with the same agency, but she was calling because she heard that our adoption had failed - which I haven't gotten on paper/or been told point blank - as well as still had my hopes up!! I do realize that these things aren't paper documents and this is just how it goes sometimes. Thank God for adoption groups and friends or I wouldn't know how it goes down for some and would think that we are the only family experiencing the extreme highs and lows on our emotions that adoption brings, but we are not! We also find ourselves feeling like the 'the little boy who cried wolf'! Here we are getting matched and then sharing it with everyone, then taking it all back. A few people this last time when we shared, asked us if this one was "for real"! That hurt! We remind ourselves that we signed up willingly, knowingly, lovingly and faithfully for this journey and we are going to get through it, but not without some heartache along the way. And definitely some lessons....
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
No news is good news...
I know of last Wednesday that the agency received all our signed documents and the card we wrote to our potential birth mom. I left the card open in case they wanted to read it, they did, then sealed it and advised me they thought it was a beautiful note, well written. They told me they would get it to her ASAP. Then let me know any updates on their end. So far no news. I'm assuming she got the card by now, but she may not have. I'm thinking soon they will be calling me to set up a conference call with her or just arranging for a visit. What I do know is last I spoke with her case worker, she told me that no news is good news. It means that everything is moving forward. I have taken comfort in that information. I still feel very calm and excited at the same time!
So, some changes around here as we have been preparing for when she arrives and we get to bring her home... I've been working on the nursery - that is always fun! Joe, Lola and I think we've nailed down a name. At least it's a name that we all love and use daily when referring to her. Just yesterday Lola came home from school and went upstairs to draw a picture. She brought down a picture of her and her soon to be sister on a sunny day! I would post it, but she wrote her name and the babies name and we are thinking about keeping that a secret :) Lola is very excited to have a sister! If something new is in the nursery, she goes in there and says how beautiful it is and we sit in there, read stories and she just loves how it is coming together!! Pictures soon to come...
Other news which for some of you this may be too much - I have also started to prepare myself to breastfeed our baby. Yes, you can breastfeed even though you didn't give birth! Crazy I know, I thought the same thing when I first learned about it early on in our process. However as crazy as it seemed, it also seemed so beautiful and something that I wanted to work for. So, here I am every morning lining up herbs and herbs, birth control and vitamins...etc... The idea is to fake my body into thinking it's pregnant then load up on supplements that help with milk production and after 4 weeks of birth control (active pills only), I stop taking them and begin pumping every 2-3 hours until our baby arrives... Who knows if I'll be able to provide enough to fulfill her needs, and I'm trying not to have any expectations - just going with the flow. I've spoken to some women who have done this and am working with a lactation consultant who has helped many adoptive mothers succeed. So in a few weeks I will be pumping every 2-3 hours as a newborn would feed - I am advised while pumping to think about her, picture her - I will be waking up in the middle of the night and what a neat way for me to bond with her before she is born!! I'm looking forward to this experience,except for the lack of sleep - it seems that before she's born I'll already be sleep deprived :)) So for the next 3 weeks, I'm living it up - not really - but after that you can find me attached to a medella symphony...
So, some changes around here as we have been preparing for when she arrives and we get to bring her home... I've been working on the nursery - that is always fun! Joe, Lola and I think we've nailed down a name. At least it's a name that we all love and use daily when referring to her. Just yesterday Lola came home from school and went upstairs to draw a picture. She brought down a picture of her and her soon to be sister on a sunny day! I would post it, but she wrote her name and the babies name and we are thinking about keeping that a secret :) Lola is very excited to have a sister! If something new is in the nursery, she goes in there and says how beautiful it is and we sit in there, read stories and she just loves how it is coming together!! Pictures soon to come...
Other news which for some of you this may be too much - I have also started to prepare myself to breastfeed our baby. Yes, you can breastfeed even though you didn't give birth! Crazy I know, I thought the same thing when I first learned about it early on in our process. However as crazy as it seemed, it also seemed so beautiful and something that I wanted to work for. So, here I am every morning lining up herbs and herbs, birth control and vitamins...etc... The idea is to fake my body into thinking it's pregnant then load up on supplements that help with milk production and after 4 weeks of birth control (active pills only), I stop taking them and begin pumping every 2-3 hours until our baby arrives... Who knows if I'll be able to provide enough to fulfill her needs, and I'm trying not to have any expectations - just going with the flow. I've spoken to some women who have done this and am working with a lactation consultant who has helped many adoptive mothers succeed. So in a few weeks I will be pumping every 2-3 hours as a newborn would feed - I am advised while pumping to think about her, picture her - I will be waking up in the middle of the night and what a neat way for me to bond with her before she is born!! I'm looking forward to this experience,except for the lack of sleep - it seems that before she's born I'll already be sleep deprived :)) So for the next 3 weeks, I'm living it up - not really - but after that you can find me attached to a medella symphony...
Friday, September 7, 2012
A moment of Calm...
Yesterday I finally got to speak with our potential birth mom's case worker. I have been waiting since last Friday!! That felt like forever- It was a great conversation, she answered most of my questions, she took her time to explain everything to me that she knew of her, she wasn't just advocating for our birth mom she was advocating for both ends and was very helpful to me as in she was understanding, she validated me and my concerns, thoughts...etc! Also she assisted me with what the next step is! All in all, after that phone conversation I felt very calm for the first time in a while :)) I felt comfortable that this is it and have a better understanding of what the next few months look like for us.
We were advised at this point to send a card to open up the lines of communication. Since our potential birth mom only knows stuff about us from our profile book and from the agency. Now we get to share with her on a more intimate level how much we have planned for this child, prayed about it and so forth... We also found out what it was about us that she related to and why she picked us. It was awesome to hear her reasons, they were good ones! It wasn't my smile, or my good looks....shockingly :) However Ted and Zoe where part of it!! Yay for our pets!!
In this moment of calm with nothing that has to be rushed to the post office, or a rushed decision to be made, or hours of research - we get to relax - prepare - pick names - build a relationship with our potential birth mom, somewhat organically - Let things flow - we get to be joyful for we are done the home study invasion, we are done with waiting to be chosen - we have been chosen, we are here and it all seems so calm. I'm enjoying this feeling... Thank you God!!
We were advised at this point to send a card to open up the lines of communication. Since our potential birth mom only knows stuff about us from our profile book and from the agency. Now we get to share with her on a more intimate level how much we have planned for this child, prayed about it and so forth... We also found out what it was about us that she related to and why she picked us. It was awesome to hear her reasons, they were good ones! It wasn't my smile, or my good looks....shockingly :) However Ted and Zoe where part of it!! Yay for our pets!!
In this moment of calm with nothing that has to be rushed to the post office, or a rushed decision to be made, or hours of research - we get to relax - prepare - pick names - build a relationship with our potential birth mom, somewhat organically - Let things flow - we get to be joyful for we are done the home study invasion, we are done with waiting to be chosen - we have been chosen, we are here and it all seems so calm. I'm enjoying this feeling... Thank you God!!
Thursday, September 6, 2012
A Leap of Faith...
I'm learning each day how to be more patient. Tuesday came and went without us speaking with our potential birth mother's case worker. That was scary because all I kept thinking about was how we've been here before....waiting for the paperwork....waiting for the phone calls....and the result wasn't so good. Wednesday came...pretty much went until I received an email from her case worker at the end of her work day. She apologized for not being able to speak with us yet, however she included the retainer and disclosure letters for us to review & sign. Thank God everything was exactly the same as it was explained to us on Friday. So needless to say I've been anxious about all the uncertainty this stage of the journey brings. I wish I could explain how I feel right now, but I can't. Unless you've traveled down this road, it will be hard to fully grasp what a huge leap of faith we are taking...
Our amazing agency here, Heaven Sent, has been great. Our dear Amanda....adopted a little girl at the end of August and has since left work to bond with her daughter. She's not off my radar though - I got her cell and she has nicely answered it when I call her :) Cindy has taken over all Amanda's clients and I know Cindy through the agency as well as the small circle I keep finding myself traveling in... Anyhow - she called yesterday to check on me... I lost it! She gave me some great advise, like stop sharing everything I know with everyone about our potential birth mother. I then lost it even more... I have shared information with some of you that you probably shouldn't know. So if I have, try and erase it. It's because you actually might know more about our potential babies birth mother than she may know at certain stages of her life and what if she was to hear it from you before we actually share it with her... Made good sense to me. I did learn all this in some books and classes. I was just in the mix, excited and not thinking like that. She invited me out to lunch, she told me to reach out to those who have been here before because they understand. She was just very concerned, very comforting and I appreciated the call. I needed to cry yesterday and wanted to share what scared me, why it scared me and I didn't have to with her....I could just break down and she understood. This is overwhelming! This is exciting! This is full of unknowns... And now that we have signed our retainer and disclosure, we are to mail it back to the agency....This is a huge leap of faith we are taking and that alone can speak for itself!
Our amazing agency here, Heaven Sent, has been great. Our dear Amanda....adopted a little girl at the end of August and has since left work to bond with her daughter. She's not off my radar though - I got her cell and she has nicely answered it when I call her :) Cindy has taken over all Amanda's clients and I know Cindy through the agency as well as the small circle I keep finding myself traveling in... Anyhow - she called yesterday to check on me... I lost it! She gave me some great advise, like stop sharing everything I know with everyone about our potential birth mother. I then lost it even more... I have shared information with some of you that you probably shouldn't know. So if I have, try and erase it. It's because you actually might know more about our potential babies birth mother than she may know at certain stages of her life and what if she was to hear it from you before we actually share it with her... Made good sense to me. I did learn all this in some books and classes. I was just in the mix, excited and not thinking like that. She invited me out to lunch, she told me to reach out to those who have been here before because they understand. She was just very concerned, very comforting and I appreciated the call. I needed to cry yesterday and wanted to share what scared me, why it scared me and I didn't have to with her....I could just break down and she understood. This is overwhelming! This is exciting! This is full of unknowns... And now that we have signed our retainer and disclosure, we are to mail it back to the agency....This is a huge leap of faith we are taking and that alone can speak for itself!
Monday, September 3, 2012
72 hours later...
We are totally thrilled that a potential birth mom has chosen our family! I spent the rest of the evening Friday exploring all the documents/ultrasound's/blood work that was provided to me through the agency. Everything looks well. This go around feels different then some others. First of all we were picked, second of all the potential birth mom is healthy per her blood work and continuous prenatal care reports that we received through the agency. We knew on Friday that nothing was going to be signed or anything sealing the match until Tuesday, so we are definitely looking forward to tomorrow. Throughout this weekend, all the excitement - I have to be honest and share that Joe and I are guarded a bit. I'm scared, I am... I feel like we've been here before and now being here again as it is so awesome - it brings a certain level of uncertainty. This is part of adoption and this is what we knew going in but here we are now starting to live through this stage of the journey. Emotions are high... I may possibly be speaking with our potential birth mom tomorrow - I don't know. Maybe I'll be flying out there soon - who knows but tomorrow will hopefully bring some answers. Maybe after we get passed a few more of the hurdles that didn't go well last time - we will start to feel a little less guarded.
On the other hand - Little Miss Lola has been very happy. Just today she came down with a piece of paper that was a list. She walks in the room and says - I just can't find the middle name that interests me! I have NO DOUBT about how great of a big sister she is going to be! She has been watching me off and on making a list of names I am trying out for our potential baby. I haven't found one! So needless to say - she's up there in her playroom doing the same thing. Her list consisted of - Lizzi - Max - Robot- Lola -Princess and - Josefee. How proud she makes me...
Side note - Saturday I was getting gas and my phone rang with a UT number. I answered and it was that agency in UT that prompted our failed match. The women immediately tells me she is aware that we did not want to work with them but tried to contact our social worker Jessica in GA to ask her if we would make an exception, but Jessica is out on maternity. Anyhow - she asked me if we could be shown to one of their birthmom's that is having a baby next week?! I simply said no thank you - we actually were matched yesterday. The lady congratulated us and said something about sending her pictures and stuff. All I could think about is how I don't know them - I didn't choose them as an agency and I surely don't like how they operate. So I believe I was tested a bit and for the first time it felt right to say NO. I believe in the situation unfolding in Florida with Heart of Adoptions. I have faith that this will be the one and am going to do the best I can to prepare with as much optimism as I can. This will be hard for both of us as we've never been down this road before...
On the other hand - Little Miss Lola has been very happy. Just today she came down with a piece of paper that was a list. She walks in the room and says - I just can't find the middle name that interests me! I have NO DOUBT about how great of a big sister she is going to be! She has been watching me off and on making a list of names I am trying out for our potential baby. I haven't found one! So needless to say - she's up there in her playroom doing the same thing. Her list consisted of - Lizzi - Max - Robot- Lola -Princess and - Josefee. How proud she makes me...
Side note - Saturday I was getting gas and my phone rang with a UT number. I answered and it was that agency in UT that prompted our failed match. The women immediately tells me she is aware that we did not want to work with them but tried to contact our social worker Jessica in GA to ask her if we would make an exception, but Jessica is out on maternity. Anyhow - she asked me if we could be shown to one of their birthmom's that is having a baby next week?! I simply said no thank you - we actually were matched yesterday. The lady congratulated us and said something about sending her pictures and stuff. All I could think about is how I don't know them - I didn't choose them as an agency and I surely don't like how they operate. So I believe I was tested a bit and for the first time it felt right to say NO. I believe in the situation unfolding in Florida with Heart of Adoptions. I have faith that this will be the one and am going to do the best I can to prepare with as much optimism as I can. This will be hard for both of us as we've never been down this road before...
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