What a moment we are in...

We are super excited to say the least, among many other feelings!  I'm scared - I'm trying to picture how it's going to go and can't.  It is so hard to actually see the end even being so close to it.  I wonder if our potential BM is going to want to be with the baby at times or not, or if she's going to want to see us with the baby or not, or if the BF is going to be around, is it going to be ackward or not...there are SO MANY things I am wondering but can't actually spend time wondering about because who knows, it's just so different and new. 

Joe is getting super excited - I can tell how real it is to him now, knowing a date, having an actual plan and it being right around the corner!  He took my mom van to get an oil change, tires rotated and just serviced before our upcoming trip.  Just another way we need to be preparing.  Thanks to some friends, we have located a place to stay that will be available for the time frame we need which is such a relief to have that in place, thanks guys!  Still a lot to figure out but we are moving in the right direction.   

We told Lola, that was hilarious.  So a week ago or so Joe asked me what I thought we should tell her and I verbatim gave him my opinion, which was to tell her we are working with a BM who is having a boy in a couple weeks, nothing is for sure but it looks like this might be our baby.  He thought it sounded great!  Well the time came last night for us to share the news and we did but it was hilarious because it did not go as planned.  I kept saying words like 'might, possibility, maybe' and he kept giving me this confused look like 'what are you doing?'  It was obvious that whatever I was telling him a couple weeks ago was great then but he didn't remember it going the way I remember, (typical marriage), and to him learning the actual planned date of our hopeful babies birthday made it very secure for him to use definite terms.  We were completely not on the same page!  Needless to say Lola was excited, there is no way to play this down or play it up at this point - it is what it is.  Telling her this might be our baby is no different then telling her it is.  At least that is what we are experiencing.  She does not like the name we've picked though!!  She believes she should name him.  Ahh...NO!

 A little about our specific adoption - we are traveling down the road of becoming a transracial family.  We embrace this chapter in our lives, we feel blessed to be given this opportunity to add a child into our hearts, join our family and grow our family.  Lola is going to be a wonderful big sister and that aspect we really look forward to.  This is such an exciting chapter in our families life and we are almost there! 

Coming soon...

Received a phone call today with our potential BM and a scheduled due date!!!  Our hopeful little boy's birthday is set for January 14th!!!  We are thrilled!!  I will post more about it later just wanted to give an update.

Less than a month...

Here we are getting closer and closer.  I remember putting the December calender up thinking I can't wait for this week and what it will feel like to be this close!  I got to say that it feels great and a bit crazy because there is so much to do to prepare for our trip/his birth.  Birth parent gifts need to be thought of and purchased.  I need to start packing, find a place to stay for a questionable amount of days.  I am a bit overwhelmed with the where to stay part.  I wish Joe wasn't so busy so I could put that off on him to find us a place to stay. 

I believe or potential BM had a doctor appointment yesterday or it's today - there was a bit of confusion on that.  Hopefully our agency will hear something today on how she is doing, how the baby is and so forth.  I might here something from them and I might not.  I am praying for knowing something when she is around 38 weeks regarding if she's going to be having a c-section or not.  So that is 2 weeks away and anything can happen at that point.  She definitely wants me there for the birth and I definitely want to be there so hopefully we can get that planned.

As I am planning for everything, washing clothes and purchasing the necessities, I find myself not allowing for the 'what if' thoughts to linger in my head and my heart.  I hope that is how I should be handling everything but part of me thinks if I don't plan for the 'what if's', then I won't be prepared and is that me being naive?   Then I think how on earth does someone plan for that?  I just pray that this all goes the way I hope for.  I pray for our potential birth parent's to feel peace with their decision and sure of it, I pray for understanding between them and us.  I pray for a smooth delivery and for a healthy baby.  So much of this is completely out of my hands, out of my control and it's really challenging at times to let go... 

Counting down..

Almost 35 weeks (Sunday)...  All I know is that after Christmas and then New Years our potential BM will be 38 weeks and we will hopefully have some plans in place for being there for the birth of our hopeful little boy!  How exciting - it's getting closer!!  I'm feeling more excited about meeting him as the date draws near.  The past four weeks, especially with this pumping schedule, have flown by and I can't imagine how fast the next four weeks will be for us.  There is so much to do and so much we need  - I feel like I should pack my hospital bag - LOL!!  After all, we will be staying in the hospital, in our own room, with our hopeful baby!  I had no idea about that by the way, until I called the hospital a few weeks back to inquire some things and they advised me that they give adoptive parents their own room.  That put my mind at ease, as I was confused about how that all would work.  We still don't know how it's all going to work with Lola yet though.  We had a wonderful friend offer to keep Lola until we left the hospital and then she would fly her down to us, she would fly back and Lola would be with us until we are able to leave the state which could be anywhere from 3 days -10 days.  Who knows!  That is a lot to ask of someone though.  It'd be nice if we had family here to help us out, these are the times that are tough on us living so far from our family. 

I would just like to put out there that the ladies in the lactation department at one of our downtown hospitals have been absolutely wonderful to me.  I had no expectations but they have surpassed any.  They have probably been the warmest of ladies to me in this experience, not knocking all you who do support us :)  But man are they supportive and compassionate.  Every time I walk in there, they are waiting for me, they know who I am, they tell me how wonderful I'm doing, they remember our hopeful babies due date, they are excited for us and I am just grateful.  I have felt special every time I walk in there.  I guess in this whole process of non-returned phone calls, feeling neglected, and the list goes on -they are on their game and it's very refreshing, it just wasn't something I expected and what a wonderful surprise, someone on their game and ready for me that advocates for me!!  Love them!  I especially love them because she gave me an exercise to do last night which allowed for me to sleep 5 hours in a ROW.  Other than my body already adjusting to getting up every 2-3, it was nice.  I need to call her today and give her my results and see if this is something I can continue to do or was it just a one night deal..hmm..hoping I can do that again :)

Joe and I discussed talking to Lola about this match.  I think around the first of the year we will gently let her know that we are working with a birth family, not make a big deal of it and not make any promises just that there is a possibility.  We want her to be somewhat prepared and not too surprised so giving her a couple weeks to digest feels right to us.   

'Star Pupil'

Another week down, almost!  Our potential BM is almost 34 weeks which is four weeks down from when I started this countdown.  I'm lookng at it from the perspective of another four weeks and we'll be waiting anxiously for his arrival.

Well, we/I had a phone call with the BM yesterday and our case worker, and I went and bought a bottle of wine afterwards!  I don't even know what I can say other than a few picked adjectives such as awkward, dissapointed, and uneasy, that about sums it up.  It was nothing like the first one and I really think so much time has gone by without any nurturing from the agency, and that was part of the problem.  I wasn't properly prepared for some of the conversation which made me very uncomfortable.  Again, there is so much to adopting, emotionally.  I felt spent after the call.  I wanted to forget about adopting for a moment.  I wanted to break down and cry.  If we can just get through this stage of the process, I think I will feel better.  I need strength at times like yesterday and  for the rest of this process.  All I can say is that when things go cockeyed I feel extremely saddened.  I feel like this is the hardest thing on my emotions that I've ever gone through.  It is so difficult at times.  Other than what didn't go the way I hoped for on the call, the BM is doing well and the baby is doing fine - that's kinda all I got.  She did ask if we were excited and I said YES, I told her that we are preparing the nursery and getting ready.  She did get some ultrasound pictures but hasn't mailed them to the agency yet so I don't know if I'll get them or not.  She goes back to the Doctor in 2 weeks so hopefully before Christmas we'll get an update. 

On a bright note, my lactation nurse called me her 'star pupil'.  I called her to give her an update and she said I'm doing great.  She knows the process works if you dedicate yourself to it.  Those of you who know me personally know that when I put my mind to something I become extremely determined and give it my all and that's what I've done with this and it is going very well, other than how sleep deprived I am.