This was no coinisidence...

Yesterday while I was at the gym, working it out - I got a text from a friend whom I met at an adoption class.  She was inviting me to a lunch scheduled for today with a couple ladies that have already adopted.  I quickly replied yes and cancelled my previous engagement (body pump - who really wants to do that anyway) - and was very much looking forward to meeting them. As well as looking forward to hearing some great stories, chatting about adoption and so forth.  During my workout yesterday - I thought for a bit - wow, how neat would it be to get the call while I am at lunch surrounded by women who have been where I am right now.  More than for a moment, I seriously thought and wondered about that.  I pictured how neat that experience would be.  I even thought about it again this morning for a moment too.  We all met today at this really cute restaurant named Goodness Gracious - If you haven't been I really recommend going - I had some kind of salad with sugared pecans, grilled chicken, craisins, other stuff, blue cheese and some wonderful maple vinaigrette!  So we all sat down and began talking for like maybe 30 seconds.  I hear my phone loudly singing my ring tone "I didn't mean to cut you off..."- and I apologized because I had forgotten to lower the volume.  I looked at the number and it said - TAMPA, FL!  I answered thinking this could not be the agency in Florida we are signed up with - but - it WAS!  Her name too is Jessica, she was like - Hi Kim do you have a minute? - I looked around at all 3 women and they could tell right away what kind of phone call this was.  It was insane!  I started quivering because just yesterday I pictured this whole entire scenario unfolding.  I listened to Jessica explain to me that we have been selected by a birth mom!  All the while tears are building in my eyes, I'm shaking and sweating...I know my face was getting red.  Jessica was asking me things and I was speechless - I didn't know how to explain to her and the ladies that just yesterday I imagined and prayed about how neat this would be.  All the women were getting teary eyed as well as they were happy for me and some of them were remembering their call.  It was so special.  It was no coincidence at all!! 

So here we are..."back in the saddle again..."!!  Believe it or not I'm still sitting here thinking how amazing God is to have placed that scenario that I thought out right in my lap!  It's beautiful, so beautiful...  So here's the deal...  Birth mom picked us, she's 40yrs. old, she wanted a family with kids (LOLA), she wanted a bi-racial or Caucasian family,her due date is DECEMBER 20th!  She is interested in pictures and emails, she is interested in either meeting us or having a conference call - I'm better in person - so I'm going to want to meet her and hopefully we can plan that around an ultrasound maybe...  Lola is tickled!  Joe and I were able to meet up late this afternoon, take her for ice-cream and tell her the news.  SHE WAS EXCITED!  So we told Lola that she is going to be a big sister to a little GIRL!!!! 

Thank you Shutterfly!

 When we signed on with Heaven Sent, they requested one profile book.  We had the decision to make whether it was going to be handmade like a scrapbook, or doing one of the photo books.  Regardless of which way we went, they would be making copies of it and that is what they give to their birth mothers.  I never understood that concept until recently.  The agency we signed on early with in Florida wanted five photo books.  I dug into our pockets and ordered five all with the thought that we would get them back.  That was probably my frugal mind working as well as how hard I worked on it and felt that if I'm ordering that many I want them back when this is over - probably to give out as gifts to our parents or something!  Anyhow - when we signed on with Georgia they too requested five books, so I ordered five more and had them sent over night.  That was stupid...  What I found out is that these photo books are given to the birth mom's when they come in to these agencies, then they take them home with them, look through them over and over, get them dirty - most of them come back with food stuck on the pages and so forth...ewe...  Or maybe they changed their minds and never contact the agencies again and just hopefully trashed our photo book that I worked extremely hard making.  Regardless what I learned was that I am in no way getting these photo books back and the agencies that handed them out are also not going to see them again.  So when they are out, they are out...

I know as of a few weeks ago, Florida has not had a chance to show our profile to anyone as of yet.  I also know that the Texas agency that had the one birth mom who narrowed her decision down to two families and when she picked, she didn't pick us.  Well that agency called us last week in hopes of me sending them more of our profile books to share with their birth mother's (they think we are a neat family).  So this time I only ordered two and didn't do rush delivery.  I was thinking to myself, if one of the birth mom's they are waiting to show our profile book to is meant for us, then they'll still be there when they receive our books.  They were.  We have been shown to three birth mom's in Texas since last week and no word yet.  Some of these women bring the book back (dirty), some of them change their minds and the last thing on their mind is my profile book.  That is crazy to me because that profile book is some serious business to me.  I get it though - I mean they are in a different position.  So with all that said, I understand now why Heaven Sent makes copies of everyone's profile book regardless of it's style and show's that to their birthmom's.  That helps us out financially.  I also learned that we made the right decision to do a Shutterfly photo book rather than a scrapbook...I couldn't imagine scrapbooking 15 + profile books.  That would be insane..  I also learned to value these books a little less - and when an agency says please send me some books, that means five or so not two.  Here I was again ordering five more to send to Texas yesterday.  Thank you Shutterfly for your many deals and free shipping!!

A Mother's Love...

Parenthood has taught me so much about myself but it also has shined a light onto my past regarding my own mother as well.

It all started a few years ago when we were able to Skype my dad, Lola's Pop-Pop.  We'd Skype often.  When we would Skype Joe's parents there were always two - Grandma & Grandpa, but when it came to my dad - there was only him.  She asked my dad one day where his Grandma was.  She was only 2 at the time.  She really meant where is his wife, since she was used to seeing a man and a women on the other side when we'd Skype Joe's.  We all laughed a moment and I was so re leaved that she didn't ask me.  My dad, a man of fewer words, lucked out due to her age and got away with just saying - I don't have one - and that was that. 

Since then throughout the years off and on questions about my mother would come up.  Most of the time she assumed she was in heaven.  I always corrected her and told her she is not there.  Of course she then would inquire more because if she wasn't there then why wasn't she here?  I always shared the truth and kept it age appropriate.  I just simply would say - she couldn't be a mom anymore.  I never thought about how that was being interpreted in her little head.  Let's be real here, as I grow my perspective regarding that changes and changes throughout the years as well.  I just assumed that was my baggage and could only affect me.  I was wrong.

In the beginning of our adoption, her interpretation came up again but in a different manner.  She was testing my love as her mother in a more than different five year old way.  I think she was confused about a mother's love.  I mean here we are trying to adopt a baby from another mother/women and that women was going to give her baby away and my mom left me - so - naturally Lola started wondering in her little, safe, innocent mind that maybe I would be giving her away!  Never...never...never...never...NEVER!!  Thank goodness we got passed that...Then...

The other night, Lola and I had a beautiful heart to heart that I could have never imagined, planned, or ever expected.  So special I thought I'd share...

We were hugging in bed and she got sad about death.  She said to me - I don't want you to die mommy, why can't we all just stay the way we are?  First let me say, I remember doing this to my Dad as well - actually I did it a lot - having a Funeral Director/Mortician as your father - death was always a daily part of my life when I grew up.  I would play school in the office while my Dad embalmed a body - I did!  Until my 30's, I was always wondering the same as Lola, wishing we could all just stay the same as we are now.  Anyhow - my first reaction was to relate to her.  I told her that when my Dad dies and goes to Heaven, he'll be with God and I will miss him too.  Dying is part of life and she then went right into - oh he'll be with your mom, in heaven?  No Lola my mom isn't there, she is still alive.  Which every time I correct her on this she still gets this puzzled look on her face that says - well if she isn't in Heaven then why isn't she here - How come I haven't met her?  This leads me to the special part...  I started to cry because it hurt me as a mother to explain to my daughter that my mother left me.  Lola then started to cry for me, she hugged me, she asked me why she left, she asked me if my feelings were hurt, was it because I was a bad girl, all a while asking these heartfelt questions and as I answered them we were both crying and laughing, it was beautiful moment.  When she asked me some questions you could see her holding back sadness.  This time though I remembered to explain to her that it is not natural for a mother to leave her child.  I explained that I would never stop loving her, nor would I ever leave her like that.  All while I am letting her know I would never do that, she seemed to realize how horrible that was and was hurt for me...  I wasn't crying because my mom left me (that was 23 years ago), I was crying because my daughter was acknowledging what that was like for a moment.  And I wasn't expecting that, ever.  I just never thought about it to be honest.  I'm proud of her for having sympathy, being heartfelt, and so damn mature for a 5 year old.  It was just a beautiful moment in our time together and it relates to this whole adoption triangle too.  I may have this same conversation with our adopted child one day with the tables turned...and possibly be able to relate a bit...

I knew from the age of eleven what it was to need a mother's love and I knew then that my purpose in life was to become a mother, nurture a child and give them everything of me that I only wished I had.  That my friends is when I decided to adopt...it only grew from there!

Breakdown..

Everyone keeps asking me if I am really taking a break from this experience and no I am not.  It is not easy for me to explain this adoption experience.  I am doing a much better job this week at getting back to a more structured lifestyle though, which doesn't include sitting in my house waiting for the phone to ring or constantly checking my email for something.  I worked out today, thanks Kathy!  I hadn't seen the inside of the YMCA for a long time now.  I've been cooking dinners, being creative, and spending the last week before school starts hanging out with Lola and just enjoying her.  It seemed as though right as one door closed another one was opening right up and that went on for a few weeks there.  My brain was constantly going a mile a minute with straight up curiosity.  It wasn't like I sought out these situations that were presented to our family and my strong desire to know about each one of them is/was just part of this journey.  I had no idea we'd ever be presented with the last situation, but we were (it was unique), and I was going through it.  Investigating, soul searching, questioning...but we do feel at peace with our decision.  However; I do find myself very sad about the failed adoption with the birth mom out in Utah still.  That baby is due in a few weeks and I still have his name in my head and the clothes we purchased hanging up in the closet...a painted nursery with no flare...wondering when it will be filled.  As far as a break...I guess I am and I'm not :)  I mean here I am writing on my blog...thinking about adoption -it's impossible not to. 

I found this article while online the other day, written by an adoptive parent and I related in several ways.  I thought I would share it - She is breaking down the adoption process as trimesters...  This is her story - 


When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I ran out to buy a beautiful journal. In it, I tracked the growth of my belly, doctor's visits, countdown to the due date, and of course the details of my labor and delivery.
When my husband and I began talking about having another child, I knew I wanted to keep another pregnancy journal. Our second child, however, did not come as planned. After secondary infertility and nearly seven years of trying to conceive we made the decision to adopt a baby. This "pregnancy" did not last nine months; it came without any what-to-expect guidelines. I was "expecting" all right, but certainly not in the conventional way. I could not relate to any of the available nine-month countdown journals. So, I decided to create my own.
Through my journaling and sharing with others in similar situations, I found that there are indeed somewhat predictable stages of an adoption pregnancy.
Stage One: Asking Yourself Questions
The first trimester, so to speak, of an adoption expectancy may take a few minutes or several years. Some men and women say that they always knew they would adopt; it was just a matter of when. I have also met couples who have been, and still are, thinking about adoption for 10 years. Still others, like my husband and me, make the decision easily to have a child and to try fertility treatments when unable to become pregnant. Pursuing adoption, however, was not as instantaneous for us.
My biggest fear throughout pregnancy with my first child was, Would I be a good mother? My biggest fear in my adoption expectancy was, Will I feel like this child's mother? Could I bond with a child not born to me? Would I treat my birth child differently, and would my adopted child grow up feeling injustice in our family? Worst of all, could I handle my emotions if and when my child wanted to meet the birth family? I feared my role as a mother would be short-lived.
Ask yourself what matters, a pregnancy or a child? Will I feel like less of a person if I cannot make a baby? Have I mourned the child we cannot conceive? Is adoption our last resort, or do we want it regardless of our ability to conceive?

Stage Two: Who Will This Child Be?
The second trimester of your expectancy resembles a physical pregnancy's: You imagine LIFE. You don't grow a belly, rather a mound of paperwork. You're through with doctors poking at your body, but social workers poke around your home. No more research into medical miracles; now it's finding how to build your family. You start to imagine what kind of parent you will be. You wonder, Who will this child be?
You are moving into unknown territory, and it is natural to be filled with questions, fears and even doubts. You will be judged if your home and marriage are fit for a child, if you will be a fit parent. You will be asked about your feelings on issues that you may never before have given a second thought. You might have no idea what race your child will be, or his heritage or what she might look like. You'll probably stare at every child on the street and wonder, Will mine look like that?
You might have nightmares about your baby being born with two heads, seven toes or polka dots. You'll have to come to terms with heart-wrenching questions like, Can I parent a disabled child? What about a baby born with AIDS? A birth defect? Of all the children born in this world, which will be mine to love and raise?
Somewhere out there a child waits for you. You have taken a huge step toward that child; now feel the movement in the universe that will connect you.
Stage Three: The Waiting Game
Try to think of this stage as your last hurrah to prepare for the moment when you will get that phone call, when the agency or attorney will match you, when the birth mother will go into labor. IT WILL HAPPEN.
Compose a letter to your waiting child during this time. If you have little ones, encourage them to write to their future sibling. Ask your parents also to write to their coming grandchild.
Welcome the child into your life and family before s/he arrives, just as you would if you carried her in your womb. Throw yourself a baby shower. Ready your home for your new bundle. Buy diapers, sprinkle baby powder around the room, wash some baby clothes with extra gentle soap. Do whatever it takes to make it feel real.

Stage Four: It's a Boy, a Girl, a Miracle!
No matter how ready you think you are, you're not ready for this. As many times as you have answered the telephone before the first ring ended, and thought, "This could be the call," it will be the time that you grab it running out the door when the voice on the other end breaks the news you've been waiting for. It will be the day that the mail sits on your counter for hours before you remember it when a picture or video of your child appears. Even if you are in the delivery room, watching the birth of your baby, once he or she is placed in your arms, your heart will skip a beat and you will wonder, "How did I get here?!"
How you got there is nothing short of a miracle. The miracle of childbirth. The miracle of adoption. And it will take your breath away.
Stage Five: Joyful Beginnings, Bittersweet Endings
After childbirth, many women go through postpartum blues. Though it may be hard to imagine feeling anything other than pure joy once your long-awaited adopted child is in your arms, don't be surprised when you shed tears the first few weeks. Hormones may not be causing the tears, but you will nonetheless feel mixed up.
The first time I saw my daughter, she was two days old, sleeping in a car seat, her two pink feet sticking out beneath a blanket. Sitting next to her, lovingly stroking those precious feet, was her birth mother. My heart went out not at first to this dear infant but to the incredibly courageous and loving woman who had just given birth. I was truly paralyzed for a moment at the magnitude of love surrounding the three of us, this adoption triad.
Don't be afraid to feel the loss and sadness for your child and the birth parents. Cry for joyful beginnings. And cry for bittersweet endings.
An adoption pregnancy is not obvious to everyone. Often without a due date, it is a pregnancy of the heart and soul. I hope that my book, Till There Was You: An Adoption Expectancy Journal, will inspire you to explore your own time of waiting that you will share one day with the child who grew in your heart.
--By Rebecca Lyn Gold.

Taking a break...

At some point last night I decided, just for a moment, that maybe sharing our journey online wasn't such a great idea.  The choice to share this journey was initiated out of pure joy and hope.  I thought in the beginning what a neat way to track our adoption for that soon to be child.  I visioned pictures of mailing the application and then receiving the call, then, finally pictures of bringing home our child.  As you all have read, that is not at all how this journey has gone.  Some of it has been extremely exciting and some of it has been at times...hard....sad...and discouraging.  Right now I think I'm feeling discouraged and super sad for the little girl, Valerie that we are not going to adopt.  It pains me to share that.  My heart hurts for that little girl.  Joe and I have gone around and around and then around some more without coming to a decision.  Probably right about and hour or so after I blurted out that my decision was most likely a yes, we received the awaited email from the neurologist and radiologist who was reviewing this case for us.  I read the email out loud, got choked up a few times but nearing the end of the email, one sentence stood out from all the rest and Joe and I both knew this was not our child that we are meant to bring into our lives.  In some way we were glad that we both finally knew the answer and our answer was the same. Joe and I were in search of some type of confirmation one way or another and we were struggling with our decision because we were not getting it.  As much of a relief it was to get one and it be the same for both of us, it was also filled with heartache, sadness, and of course my famous personality trait, self doubt.  A friend told me today that she has learned so much from following our journey and it will surely help her on hers.  I'm glad it's helped a few, I continue to grow and learn as well.  Thank you to those who have been a positive voice in our journey, who have humbled their opinions, been a great cheerleader, and supporting us through this journey.  I'm a bit tired, I'm not going to focus on this right now as I need a break.  I'm hurt.

Morning coffee...

As Joe bounced out of bed first (I cannot remember the last time he got up with Lola), he was anxious to start his own research and learn everything about this little babies outlook due to the diagnosis it was given.  He read through my notes, which probably wasn't the best idea.  He read "severe damage" and it was underlined several times, but I was taking notes while on the phone and I just didn't put the "NO" in front of it.  Other than having to break down my notes to him, he got the gist of my conversation with the Doctor.  It's hard to be on the phone with a neurologist and listen, comprehend and then write it all down.  Of course I have more questions for him and wish it wasn't Saturday.  We are waiting for another Neurologist who looked through everything yesterday to send an email with their professional opinion because they supposedly have a lot to say about this case.  I'm so curious by the way!  I mean is this information going to sway us one way or another?  We haven't told Lola about this opportunity but with all the chatting I did yesterday, regardless that I sat her in front of the TV to engage her, she still observed everything that was going on.  I can't get anything by her.  Well, she made Joe and I smile this morning while we were having our morning coffee.  She came into the room and said, are we going to adopt this little baby?   I started to tell her well Lola there is some concerns for this little baby, and she says I know, I know I've been listening to you and the babies birth mom lives in the same state as the other birth mom.  We chuckled cause she was right, but that wasn't what we were going to tell her.  We told her that this baby was born very early and because of that some of it's brain was effected.  This baby will need special care, to what extent we don't know.  You gotta love kids, because she went right into I can help them walk.  "So and so" can hold my hand....  We explained that the baby may need glasses and Lola's eyes got real big and she got all proud and was thinking...no big deal, been there, do that!  We explained the baby might need to see the doctor often at times and she thought to make a silly dance to make the baby laugh!  So much for not sharing this situation with Lola in a more formal fashion.  This is a prime example of how during an adoption journey your children become such a huge part of it too, this is our families journey, not just Joe and I's.  And because we haven't completely fallen apart yet on this journey, either has she...  She has made us so proud on her maturity through this roller coaster of a ride.  We have a lot to do today, possibly a decision will be made - we both are not ready to make a decision.  We need to speak with more people and we don't want to feel rushed either.  Long story short this baby who technically isn't even due yet made a trip from Massachusetts to Utah with a social worker yesterday because the original adoptive parents gave it back.  They have had the baby since 7/13 and my heart hurts for them.  That could not have been an easy decision and try not judge them for their decision.  No-one knows their story and everyone has one!       

The Unknown...

Isn't this whole process "unknown"?!  As we all grew up we were taught to make responsible choices, get the facts and then make informed decisions, but we are not in charge here.  God is and we can make all the informed decisions we want but the end result is what it is.  Who's to say two healthy parents don't give birth to a sick child, who's to say that bad stuff doesn't happen in this world, it does.  Even when you think you are making all the right decisions with all the right information, trying to do your best, who's to say you're boat isn't going to be rocked from time to time?!  With all that out, we received an email yesterday that rocked out adoption boat, again!  This email not only contained the birth mother's story, it contained the baby's story.  Both are a lot to digest, which we are still digesting.  My initial reaction was to cry, it was one of those days anyway.  The birth mom was not at all healthy during her unknown pregnancy and this baby was born severely premature (11 weeks early).  That causes some complications on you when you were supposed to cook for many more weeks by a healthy individual.  So, Joe and I (not Lola yet) are doing our research, getting as many facts and trying to make an informed decision.  Let's not forget to point out the obvious here but when it comes to making informed decisions, it's hard to categorize an innocent child into this equation.  I mean seriously this baby needs a loving home, parents that are willing to provide this child with all that will be necessary because it's birth mom made some bad decisions.  The entire adoption process as a whole is filled with unknowns.  Actually having a "known", is refreshing to a certain degree.  I'm going to be headed out to the Pediatrician's office to get him to read through some medical records and get a professional's opinion.  A friend of mine forwarded an ultrasound to a neurologist in her family, who might be able to help out.  Stay tuned because depending on what we find out today, we might be headed out tomorrow to bring home a little someone...

Too Quiet...

After learning last Monday that we were not picked, it was like everything became very still.  There was no correspondence from any agency regarding any possible birth mom's being presented with our profile.  It was quiet, too quiet..  I guess that is what we needed in a way to get passed the failed adoption from UT, and we did.  Contrary to some opinions, not knowing anything is just as hard as knowing there is a birth mom looking at our profile.  There are so many avenues of adoption that are different then being pregnant.  Just like a pregnant mom has to add calories to her diet, take vitamins, eat healthy, work at growing a baby and take care off herself; I have to work at finding a birth mom.  A mom that chooses a noble thing such as adoption and feels that our family is a match for her baby, whatever her situation may be.  In this there are so many risks to continually educate yourself about and then either take in faith or walk away.  Some say word of mouth is the best way for adopting.  The more people who know you are wanting to adopt, the more chances someone might know of a women wanting to place her baby for adoption in which a beautiful connection is made.  I have heard of that happening, but I am also relying on these agencies as well.  I don't have an opinion on how it happens, I only pray it does.

We hadn't seen our neighbors since we shared with them that we were matched and they had thought I might have been in UT meeting the birth mom.  So we shared with them the news.  She looked at Lola and said, she is going to be a great only child.  I was like NO, don't say that.  I'm not giving up!  If that is the way our life is to be, then so be it.  Prior to our education on adopting and getting started, we had already excepted that fate; then we decided to adopt.  I'm not ready to throw in the towel.  No-one said this was going to be easy.  I am ready however to reach out to GA and inquire how I went from getting a ton of correspondence to zilch.  I think I already know the answer though, most of the birth moms that were looking at us were with the UT agency and she pulled all her clients from them.  Maybe just maybe this will be a more eventful week...